UnNews:Kermit finds rainbow connection; lovers and dreamers nowhere to be found
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Kermit finds rainbow connection; lovers and dreamers nowhere to be found
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 6, 2015, 09:58:UTC)(
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6 December 2006
THE SWAMP, Louisiana -- Kermit the Frog, a frog from the popular TV show/movie series/street gang The Muppets, has only fulfilled half of his promise today when he found the rainbow connection. He has long predicted this day, however in his prophecy he claimed that the "lovers and dreamers" would accompany him in this event. These lovers and dreamers have supposedly jumped ship, since they are nowhere to be found.
"These guys totally wimped out on me," Mr. Frog remarked after realizing that he was alone in his endeavor. "I mean, here I am, about to finally find it, the rainbow connection! And it's supposed to go 'the lovers, the dreamers, and me'! Where are these people? I thought we had a deal."
Kermit's opposition, as well as some negative nancies, are using this hole as a way to attack Mr. Frog in a deep way.
"He failed in his promise. He told us that they were going to do it together. Liar. Kermit's a liar. Psychiatry lies. Kermit is a psychiatrist," says Tom Cruise, heterosexual Scientologist. He is leading an angry mob of thetans and whatever grues he can get to eat Mr. Frog's face. The attack has been dismissed by police as "just another pointless face-eating mob."
The dreamers, who are rumored to have been vacationing in Miami for the last 800 years, simply "didn't know that the whole shebang was actually goin' down right now. We thought we still had like, 4 days to sleep in. This was totally on us man." However, the lovers have been evading Kermit ever since an incident in 1983 involving shady game of "eat it or eat your puke."