UnNews:Kenneth Starr vows to investigate Obama sex scandal
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.|
8 November 2008
"Unnamed sources on the Internet have leaked to the attention of all Americans that Barack Obama engaged in homosexual sex while on the campaign trail, and failed to properly disclose this fact," Starr told reporters.
Asked whether his source was reputable, Starr explained that not all leaks of this nature come from reputable sources.
"It was the National Enquirer that broke the Edwards sex scandal," explained Starr. "And you can't get much less reputable than Matt Drudge, who first reported Clinton's affair."
Starr has promised to get to the bottom of this allegation by conducting a thorough investigation into President-Elect Obama's sex life. He has subpoenaed Obama's cell phone records, address book, and seventy thousand pages of public records from the U.S. and Chicago state Senates, and has begun calling every name therein to inquire about who else Obama has had sex with.
"This is simply something the American people deserve to know," said Starr. "For example, for some reason, Americans suspect that Barack Obama has a larger cock than any President before him. Clearly, Americans need to know exactly the size, color, and dimensions of that cock. I intend to compile this, and related, information, and post it pretty much everywhere."
Starr told reporters that it is not Obama's sex life that he is interested in, but rather the issue of whether he lied during his campaign.
"Look, it doesn't matter to me whether President-Elect Obama has sex in the missionary position, or whether he takes Michelle from behind and plays the bongos on that black ass," says Starr. "The reason I have installed cameras in the White House residence is not merely to answer that question for all Americans, or to post the footage to bangbros.com. The question is whether Obama lied."
Public records show that Barack Obama never said "I did not have sex with a man in San Francisco" while on the campaign trail. However, no one recalls Obama saying that he did have sexual relations with that man, and Starr points out that lies of omission are still lies.
"If my son came home, and I asked what he'd been doing, and he said 'not much,' and in fact he was snorting blow from a hooker's ass crack, he would be lying to me," asserted Starr. "And that is why I have installed a tiny GPS under the skin of his left ankle, and bored a peephole into his bedroom."
Starr promises the American people that, if nothing else, by next June he will release a 70-page report giving explicit details of every sexual act President-Elect Obama has ever committed, and will release to the public the website ObamaSex.com.
Subscriptions will cost $19.95 a month, and will require a major credit card.