UnNews:Kennedy Assassination Solved
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Kennedy Assassination Solved
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 18:04 (UTC)
1 January 2010
WASHINGTON D.C. -- The long-anticipated National Archives release of the secrets of the John F. Kennedy assassination show that a conspiracy did, in fact, exist. The evidence shows that two shooters were involved in the death of the mop-haired leader, but that all of the conspiracy theories had it wrong. Kennedy was killed by a cat and a monkey.
"This is pretty embarrassing," said an F.B.I. spokesperson who begged to remain nameless. "These documents were ordered sealed until 2010, and I'm just glad I was born far too late to be involved in the investigation."
The two killers, photographed in Dallas, Texas while committing the crime, were Puddi and Chuckles, a cat and monkey owned by a retired circus performer whose name has been redacted from all documents concerning the incident. "He was interviewed and released," the same F.B.I. spokesmen said, "and then everyone lost track of him. God, this is so embarrassing. Hoover, Johnson, Nixon, all of them had the good sense to die before this was released. Nobody had it right, this took all of us by surprise. Jeez, you know what, I gotta go."
Puddi the cat attacked first, from the 6th floor of the Texas School Book Depository Building, and hit Kennedy once in the back. Chuckles the chimp shot from behind a bush on the so-called Grassy Knoll, fatally wounding JFK.
"Some people knew about this from the hour it happened," said Presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin. "Film and photographs were taken by several bystanders, and a worker in the Book Depository Building photographed Puddi during the act. But nobody has ever talked about it publicly. The Warren Commission buried this as deeply as possible, literally in an unmarked grave in a basement vault of the National Archives. I knew about it for decades, but do you think I'd tell the public? Would you?"
Later analysis of the evidence shows that Puddi was actually attempting to scratch his nose and got his paw caught up in the trigger of a rifle left there by accident, and that Chuckles was just imitating a western film that he and his owner had seen the previous night. Secret Service agents who stormed up the stairs to the 6th floor of the Texas School Book Depository Building found Puddi asleep, curled up on a box of school books, and a Dallas patrolman captured Chuckles without a fight by offering him a banana.
This morning reporters caught up with Kennedy family spokesperson Ted Sorensen at Midway Airport in Chicago. Sorensen, who was JFK's ghostwriter of Profiles in Courage and White House aide, was surprised at the news. "A cat and a monkey? Are you telling me that a. . ." he said before denying that he knew Kennedy, hid his face from the cameras, and hurridly rushed away.
Among the documents unsealed today were inquest reports revealing that in the aftermath of the crime both Puddi and Chuckles were put to sleep. Nobody in the Dallas Police Department was available for comment, and reporters attempting to contact the offices of the United States Secret Service found that all calls went straight to voicemail.
- Bob Woodward "[ Cat and Monkey Killed JFK]". Washington Post, January 1, 2010