UnNews:Ken Lay finds new life in Hell
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Ken Lay finds new life in Hell
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, November 29, 2015, 23:08:UTC)(
1 March 2007
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"After the whole heart attack thing I had just before my sentence, I rang up my good buddy Satan, who I've been pals with for a while now, and he decided to give me a job."
Ken is now president of the Department of Punishment of Cultists, a relatively small yet fast-growing division of Inferno Co., of whom Satan is CEO and founder.
Controversy has arisen over Ken's newly-appointed position, primarily by groups of recently-deceased former Enron workers. "It's just not right," comments Carol Hammonds, Mr. Lay's former receptionist.
"He essentially drove hundreds of good people into debt and despair. He simply does not deserve a new job doing practically the same thing."
Mr. Lay, however, believes he can be a better person in death than in life.
"I know what I did to the lives of the good men and women of Enron and I'm truly sorry for it. There's not a lot I can do now, being dead and all, but I have resolved to be a better person in Hell than I was on Earth."
Mr. Lay's new job was spawned by an agreement between Mr. Lay and Satan himself.
"To put it tersely," said the former CEO, "All I have to do is manage the punishment of a few million sinners, and in return I myself get to avoid all the fire and brimstone down here. However, there are some major downsides," Mr. Lay explained as he reached for a hand towel to wipe of his sweaty face, "Corporate HQ neglected to put AC in my office. Satan, that tricky bastard."
At the moment, Mr. Lay lives alone in a two-story condo in Hell's middle class district.
"I live in a 3,500 square foot house and one of my neighbors is black. To top it off, the golf club here is entirely public. This is definitely not what I'm used to, but I'm beginning to get accustomed to life-- er, death in Hell."