UnNews:Ken Lay Walks Again
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
6 July 2006
Kenneth Lay is back. Despite doctors' previous diagnoses as "dead," "gone," and "buried," Mr. Lay returned to work evil upon the Earth and dine on the succulent flesh of mortals this Thursday. Upon his arrival, Lay announced "Braaaaggghhh! Me hungry - want brains!" at an official press conference. Lay's lawyer, Herschel Goldenstein, interpreted his comment thusly. "I think that Mr. Lay was trying to communicate was that he's, y'know, stressed out and ready to spend some quality time with his family." Goldstein continued, "After recovering from this fatal illness, I'm also sure he's learned a lesson or two about humanity and forgiveness. Can't you people just leave the man alone? I don't give a damn how much he stole from you 'poor' people, he just died! Jeez, give him a break!"
After Goldstein spoke with reporters, Lay turned to him and attempted to gnaw off his arm. After assaulting Goldstein, Lay turned on the audience and a group of ex-Enron employees protesting on the lawn. The death toll was staggering - fifteen people including Goldstein lost their lives, ten from puncture wounds and bludgeoning, and five from exsanguination. The carnage following Lay's first public appearance since his death have left doctors wondering whether he is a zombie or a vampire.
Dr. Friedrich Von Hausendorfensteinenstahlecrantzenberg, professor of supernatural pathology at Arkham University, suggested that "Lay is neither vampire nor zombie, but a curious hybrid of the two, which, though occurring rarely, brings untold foulness and and destruction when it manifests in homo sapiens." He continued "Lay may be what we in the para-pathological community refer to as a ghoul."
Since the massacre, Colorado police, militant rednecks, and amateur vampire hunters have pursued Lay in hopes of bringing him to justice. As of this report, Lay has not been found. However, Ervin Gooberblock, Head Vigilante of the State of Colorado reckons "we gettin' closer to his sorry rotten ass ever' day now, jus' you watch, boy. We gon' lynch us a vampire!"
MarketWatch|http://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/Story.aspx?guid=%7BEEA6BF32-08D6-4A2E-98FF-B3B15ECAC5D4%7D&siteid== Enron Founder Ken Lay dies at 64|title=Enron Founder Ken Lay dies at 64 Jim Jelter|author=Jim Jelter |pub=July 05, 2006 July 05, 2006|date=July 05, 2006}}