UnNews:Kelloggs empire has fallen!
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Kelloggs empire has fallen!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 26, 2017, 14:12:UTC)(
30 March 2007
The well-known empire, Kelloggs, the empire who wants to kill all Gods and gives out poisenous food (which is a very healthy part of some balenced breakfast, kids!) has fallen, due to a recent lawsuit with Kellogs president, Tim Allen, by Jennifer Lopez which started as an argument over who was the biggest pussy. Allen was very close to winning but Lopez was the winner from the start.
When we sent an UnNews reporter to question Allen on this whole incedent, he quickly pulled out a wrench and asked our younger reporter if he wanted to screw him. Our reporter took the wrench from Allen and wacked him in his nuts very hard. Unfortunately Allen does not have any nuts, so our reporter just ran away.
Around the same time this was happening, another reporter approached Lopez, who was hanging out with Donald Trump and Britney Spears, who were all huffing kittens at their local Subway. When questioned, Lopez said she always had wanted to take down Kelloggs anyways, because their cereal was just "too damn GRRREAT (Frosted Flakes), because it encouraged Dark Arts and Luck (Lucky Charms), and because it just plain tasted like shit (Apple Jacks)," in her words.
Kelloggs has been the long ruler of Kill God's Island, well known to be the center of all Anti-Christ activity since 2009. They were also the original inventors of condoms, which first appeared as children's balloons in cereal boxes. Or maybe they just thought they were condoms! Many people, and Oprah Winfrey, are very happy of this news. They are even planning a party for tommorrow, which has officially been declared to be the Kids Choice Awards 2007!
"Now if only there was something we could do about General mills," Lopez stated.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|