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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 29, 2016, 23:15:UTC)(
22 December 2006
"We just cannot make our consumers eat Corn Flakes after the age of 16 anymore" a company spokesman declared. "It was high time we revised our marketing strategy in order to regain a healthy part of the adult breakfast market".
Due to market pressures and competition, Kelloggs saw its profit plummet by a whooping 6% last year. In comparison, distributors of bacon, eggs and bread have seen their own profits soar in what is their best financial year ever. "There is a reason for this," this spokeman declared, "and it is that Kelloggs Corn Flakes is not appealing to the over 16 audience anymore."
In a move to correct this, Kelloggs nutritionist have decided to sprinkle Viagra on Corn Flakes products, launching a brand new range of adult-oriented cereals. "We already have Frosties. The principle remains the same and we won't have to modify any of our existing resources to switch from one product to the other." The added bonus, according to the company's analysts, will be that in a few years the number of potential children in age to eat regular Corn Flakes should have tripled.
In line with this decision, a new selection of free toys will now be included in kelloggs Viagra. The details are yet to be confirmed, but reliable sources talk of chocolate-flavoured condoms, toy whips, fishnet stockings with the Kelloggs logo stitched on them and little jars of Vaseline.
When questionned about the potential hazard of children mistaking the new, upgraded Kelloggs Viagra with regular Corn Flakes, the company spokesman replied that: "We are liaising with supermarkets and food distrubutor to have are new improved recipe Kelloggs Viagra on special shelves, placed higher than normal shelves." In addition, the packets will have a different design and will be marginally more expensive. They will also carry a warning sticker telling children to beware where they put their mouth.