UnNews:Ke$ha Invents a New Kind of Drug
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Ke$ha Invents a New Kind of Drug
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 16:16:UTC)(
15 March 2012
Los Angeles, Night Club
25 year old singer-songwriter Kesha has had her ups and downs in her career, but until recently has been relatively unknown in the field of advanced recreational chemistry. Despite being in the business for almost twenty-six years, starting with her original, pre-birth attempts in her mother's womb (she created a mind-bending hallucinogen from her mother's digested cheese burgers), she has had little true success. Finally, to the delight of feminists everywhere, she has broken through the glass ceiling and made what is already being hailed as the discovery of the decade.
It was supposed to be an ordinary day for Kesha: wake up, take a shit, eat most of own shit, brush teeth with what's left of own shit, drink, party, sell drugs, drink some more, pass-out, have unconscious sex with frat boys, and repeat. However, this time, it was different. On a 48 hour bender in Los Angeles, Kesha reportedly drank 22 glasses of vodka, 37 shots of rum, 60 bottles of beer (in fairness, only Coors Light) and infinity billion glasses of super-strength wine. Eventually the alcohol overpowered her liver, and taking out her emergency colostomy bag, unaware of the cocaine stashed inside, she violently blew her motions. The cocaine mixed with Kesha's puke, resulting in a magical new substance, which delighted junkies report: "makes you feel like you've just shoved a tissue box up your ass". Esteemed drug connoisseur Ron Paul has already declared Keshtasy to be "Fucking amazingly fucking amazing!!".
When asked about this incident, Kesha stated that she "planned it all". She proceeded to describe the events, "so I was so totally like, high, and then I kinda felt like I'm giving birth, but from my mouth, y'know what I'm saying? Then the shit reached my throat so I took out my emergency throw-up-on-the-go bag, which someone had put cocaine in." When asked how the cocaine came to be in the bag, Kesha stated that she "so totally has no idea", before face-planting the floor.
Following the discovery, Kesha has been nominated for numerous awards, most notably "Best Drug Dealer Amy Winehouse Would Have Made Rich" and the Noble prize for narco-trafficking. That's right, Kesha's drug isn't love anymore; it's vomit, alcohol and cocaine.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|