UnNews:Katie Holmes jumps furniture after filing for divorce
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Katie Holmes jumps furniture after filing for divorce
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, February 13, 2016, 00:45:UTC)(
29 June 2012
Today a source in Manhattan, New York, informs UnNews that after five years of marriage, Katie Holmes has had enough of the weird elf that is Tom Cruise. The source tells us she had a wonderful time jumping the couch at her lawyer's office.
The divorce petition states Miss Holmes wishes to raise daughter Suri by herself, "without Patch sticking his ears in". She is seeking child support and is generally going to do everything in her power to, "keep Gnome Cruise at a distance".
So what about Tom? A spokesperson for the actor said, "Tom didn't see this coming, he is so small he doesn't see many things coming towards him, this is one of them."
The actress, 33, is a world away from the cute girl we all remember in Dawson's Creek. I, for one, used to watch the show just to see Miss Holmes - still have no idea what the show was about? Anyway - selfish kid to name the creek where you live after yourself!
Surely the divorce is expected? Tom is known to be a devoted Santaologist, a religion which believers are convinced we are all descendents of elves from the North Pole. No doubt the pressure upon Miss Holmes was too great and she'll never want to see another Christmas ever again. We contacted Nicole Kidman to get her reaction to the news but her laugh was so long it wasted the credit in my mobile.
Miss Holmes has put aside her own career to be the wife of the Top Gun star. We gained exclusive access to their marriage license which lists her married name as "Gnomes". We understand Katie, we understand.
So is Tom Cruise as weird as people say? He once had it all; a fighter jet and a genius brother. Where did he go wrong? Well, being a famous journalist, I have had a few moments with celebrity. Just going to a restaurant in the past and having a famous actor take my picture is frustrating I'll tell you. Fame is a terrible price to pay to be famous. Steve Martin said in his brilliant book, Born Standing Up: Oh yes, I have heard the argument that celebrities want fame when it’s useful and don’t when it’s not, that argument is absolutely true.
The fame seems to have not sat well with Tom, while Miss Holmes appears mature and capable to deal with her own celebrity. Let's hope the divorce isn't too disruptive to their daughter and that Tom goes somewhere to figure out why he's weird and gets flying again. The good looking, charming man on every teen's wall in the 80's, is now a distant memory. Organized religion should be viewed as Brian of Nazareth once said: "I'm not Tom Cruise! Now, fuck off!"
Let's hope he realizes what he has lost and at least starts wearing women's clothes with "Maverick" emblazoned on the front - anything is better than scaring the shit out of Oprah Winfrey in a religion-fueled trampoline act.