UnNews:Katie Holmes confirmed as Secretary of Defense

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6 December 2006

Holmesoncrack

Secretary of Defense Katie struggled to find America on a map.

WASHINGTON DC -- With an unflappable sweetness that won praise from Democrats and Republicans alike, suspected Martian Katie Holmes maneuvered through hours of Senate questioning and was confirmed to replace Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense. The move shocked political observers and Hollywood insiders alike, most of whom had mistaken Holmes for an inanimate object.

She raised some eyebrows by stating bluntly that she has no clue as to what's happening in Iraq, or even where it is, but stressed that she thinks America is, like, "totally awesome" and introduced her new slogan, "Go, us." When asked how America can continue to combat terrorism, Holmes replied, "We can put all the bad people in a V-Box and hope their micro-theta waves even out. It'll be awesome."

Holmes also denied rumors that she used any form of Scientologist mind control ray to secure her new cabinet post. "Sciento-lo-logy? How do you even spell that?"

After the Senate voted 56-0 on Tuesday to recommend Holmes be confirmed, Senate Gimp Billy Frist offered his view. "Amazing. Spectacular. Totally excellent." Other lawmakers, although appearing dazed and bewildered, repeated his sentiments.

Word for word.

For eight hours.

"I'm sure that, you know, whatever bad things happen will work themselves out," Holmes told reporters at a post-confirmation press conference. "And I think I'm going to do a totally awesome job. Like, this morning I saw this photo of people in Somalia, and they just need hugs. I'm going to tell whoever the President is to just send lots of hugs. And Dianetics. I don't know if they can read, but if they can't someone should read it to them. And if they don't get it, I guess we'll just have to put them all in an oven. Isn't Tom the coolest? Go, us!"

Indeed.

Cruiseonoprah

Tom was quick to celebrate the news.

When asked what he thought of the Senate's decision, President Bush replied that he thought Holmes was, "Married to that short feller." Reporters asked Bush to provide some actual insight, or, failing that, at least provide a statement that logically addressed their question. The President replied by covering his ears and shouting, "La la la la, stay the course, I can't hear you, la la la la."

With that, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice ended the press conference, informing reporters that it was time for the President's nap.

Pundits and talk shows are already full of speculation that Katie Holmes, or her husband, or both, are considering a presidential bid in 2008. Although this would put her in competition with Spongebob Squarepants for the Republican nomination, political observers are quick to point out that despite their obvious similarities, at least Spongebob did not marry Tom Cruise.

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