Kate vows to sit on arse for entire pregnancy
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Friday, May 29, 2015, 17:25:UTC)(
4 December 2012
On the weekend, she became the first person ever to check into a hospital with 'morning sickness' and has resided there ever since, vowing to 'sit on her arse for the next nine months', and insisting that Palace lackeys read her stories and feed her seedless grapes.
One palace maid, who spoke exactly like Nanny from 101 Dalmatians, told us: "She's becoming a right little... well you can't say princess, because she is a princess, but you know, a right little madam!"
Middleton allegedly entered the hospital on Saturday morning "with the most gorgeous MI5 agents available," and immediately requisitioned an entire ward of the hospital, insisting that, "I don't want a sick person to be within a hundred square yards." When hospital staff attempted to reason with her, she cocked her head and said, "Hands up! Hands up everyone here who is giving birth to a future King or Queen of England! Hmm? Hands up? Anyone? No? I didn't think so. Now, give me what I want! I want a whole ward to myself, and lots of chocolates, and a room full of pretty dresses, and all of my friends here... and cake!"
Buckingham Palace did not comment on the allegations, but its subsequent actions suggested that the Royal Family is sufficiently concerned by news breaking of the Duchess' less than regal behaviour. It issued a press release stating that Kate's sister, Pippa Middleton, is certain to attend the delivery, which will be televised, and Pippa has promised to find some reason to bend over and show her peerless arse to the cameras, perhaps to whisper encouragement into her sister's ear, or maybe to take a peep at the business end as it all starts happening.
- "Duchess Kate's morning sickness lands her in hospital". USA Today, December 01, 2012