UnNews:Kate Middleton's Pa readies shotgun wedding
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Kate Middleton's Pa readies shotgun wedding
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, December 4, 2016, 10:15:UTC)(
28 April 2011
LONDON, England - Mike Middleton, a former stewardess, has loaded up his shotgun, put on a high hat, and gotten his dog ready in anticipation of marrying off his oldest daughter, Kate, to her long-time lover, "Prince" William.
"This man has been taking advantage of Katie for ten fuckin' years now!" the commoner known as "Long Mike" or "Patient Mike" said to a gathering of journalists and supporters. "A decade laying on her back and who knows what else for this Bonny Prince!" the frustrated father said, "And was he ever going to marry her? Hell no! He was just dickin' around with my daughter, damnit. My baby girl!"
"'Oh Katey, darling, just what kind of kettle of fish have you gone and gotten yourself mixed up with?' I used to ask her. She'd just run to her room and cry. I felt like a weak willy ever since 2001, and then a few months ago I said to myself 'Long Mike, don't ya be takin' it no more', and I grabbed my shotgun, marched right into Buckingham Palace, and told William that he was gonna make a decent woman of my Katy or I'd blow his fuckin' brains out."
"Prince William just stood there, shaking in his boots, and, piss running down his pants leg, agreed," Mike remembered. "But I ain't takin' no chances on this boy, no sir. So me, my dog, and my shotgun are gonna walk her straight down the middle of that aisle, and she'll hold her head up, and then my dog and I will be standin' right there beside them to make sure that player goes through with it."
In response to a question by Anderson Cooper of CNN News, commoner Mike Middleton stuck out his chin and said "You ask why he didn't marry her sooner? I'll tell you the why's and wherefors Mr. Anderson Cooper. What hot-blooded lad is gonna buy the cow when the chocolate milk is sittin' on his doorstoop in a bottle, and all he has to do is pick up the bottle and drink it any fuckin' time he wants to? Any time of day or night that William wanted a little action, whoop-dee-doo, he just picked up the phone and makes a booty call to my daughter. Ten fuckin' years of booty calls! What the hell?"
Middleton's daughter, Kate, 29, met the man known as "Prince" when she was a virginal and innocent 19-year old coed attending the University of St. Andrews in Scotland. "I was teaching a group of high school students how to hit a sand wedge out of one of the deeper bunkers from about 120 yards to the pin," Kate said while standing at her father's side during the press conference, "and this arrogant guy tried to play thru. 'Just what in the god's hell are you doin' fellow, can't you see I'm teaching here?' He then got all huffy and ruffled like a prize hen, but he seemed interested in me right off. 'I like your moxey, girl' William said to me, and I've been his booty-call ever since."
The shotgun wedding of the century will probably take place on Friday at Westminster Abbey in London. "That jackrabbit better show up!" Mike Middleton said, "Lots of people have been invited, and tens of millions of the uninvited will be staring at my daughter all over television and the innernests, and there is no way the guy is gonna run out on her if I have anything to say a about it."
Further questions flew hot and heavy at the press conference. "Yes, I met the Queen once," Kate said, "and she told me to get out of her country and don't look back. That was in 2007 when Billy and I separated for a few months. But then one evening, like clockwork, booty call!" "Yes, there will be live ammo in my gun, three of the biggest shotgun shells you ever saw buddy. I found them over at Wal-Mart," said Mike, "and yep, I'll be pleased as punch to put down my long-gun when the words 'I do' leave hot-rod Johnny's lips." "No, he didn't formally ask me to marry him," Kate said. "He just said dad had paid him a visit, he was living in fear, and he had to get hitched so would I join him on the throne of England. I thought about it for about a week, and then decided I'd give it a go. Hell, if his mom, Diana, could cheat on that old guy and get away with it, what do I have to worry about when I crave a little hanky-panky? I learned the main lesson though:Keep well away from hot arabs." "Yes, I'm paying for the wedding," Mike said, "that's traditional, and I ain't gonna let a bunch of fancy pants lifelike antiques show me up."
"My daughter, dog, and I will be walking up that aisle, and let's just see what happens next," Mike Middleton concluded.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|