UnNews:Kasparov jailed for beating Putin at chess

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26 November 2007

Unnews kasparov

Kasparov is good at protecting his king, but will he be able to protect his ass when in prison?

MOSCOW, Russia -- Former world champion Gary Kasparov was sentenced to 5 days in jail on Sunday after defeating Russian president Vladimir Putin in a contentious chess match earlier this weekend. Formally, Kasparov was charged with "defrauding a government official," as it was determined that he couldn't have won the game in just 11 moves without cheating. A police spokesperson concluded that "no mortal could defeat our omnipotent leader, and certainly not in so few moves." The Russian president later commented "'is brain is smaller than my sixparck!"

Kasparov, who is also a political opponent of Putin, challenged the president to the chess game as a conciliatory move. Putin gladly agreed, raising the stakes by proposing a bet which "Mr. Kasparov was told he couldn't refuse," a government official said. The president reportedly told the grandmaster that "If I win, you'll go to jail, and if you lose, you'll go to prison." Mr. Kasparov could at least take solace in the fact the game didn't end in a draw, a scenario for which Putin promised "polonium poisoning" for his opponent.

Following Mr. Kasparov's conviction, he was immediately stripped of his chess trophies, and Mr. Putin was named "chess grandmaster of the world," much to the dismay of other players worldwide. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, and Kim Jong Il of North Korea in particular criticized Putin's declaration, with each claiming that they are in fact the "chess grandmasters of the world." President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, on the other hand, simply remarked that "all my uranium and plutonium chess pieces are for peaceful purposes only."

Mr. Putin is next scheduled to play IBM's latest chess-playing supercomputer, while Mr. Kasparov will try to avoid getting "captured en passant" in the prison showers. "It'll be tough avoiding all the queens in jail," admitted Kasparov, "but my local bishop inspired me with faith, and I trust my cell will be like a rook and protect me from harm." The Russian president meanwhile vowed that Kasparov will suffer behind bars, claiming that he is "just a mere pawn in my vast empire," and that he'll "be doing plenty of mating" with the prison population. The former grandmaster's sentence will only be five days, but the clock doesn't start ticking until Putin hits a special button, otherwise known as дерьмо кнопка (translated from Russian as "holy button of crap").

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