Kasich wins something

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16 March 2016

Kasich screaming

Kasich cannot believe it.

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- Governor John Kasich actually won an election. To-wit, Republicans in the Buckeye State selected Kasich on Tuesday over front-runner Donald Trump as the nominee for U.S. President, picking up all the state's 66 delegates.

"I won something!" said Kasich. "That's because I came in first. I got more votes than the other guys. I am going all the way to Cleveland," he declared, notwithstanding the harrowing trek a short distance up Interstate 71.

Kasich, who states that he is the son of a mailman,[1] now stands at 146 votes and is guaranteed to arrive in Cleveland without the 1,237 delegates needed for a majority on the first ballot. Mitt Romney had campaigned with Kasich in Ohio, exactly to deny Trump a victory and open the floodgates to back-room wheeling and dealing, none of it for the purpose of installing Kasich.

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Romney to Trump: "Whip it out!"

Marco Rubio, by comparison, had 172 delegates. However, he failed Tuesday to win his own home state, Florida, and was required to quit the race in shame. He had conducted an inspiring campaign of memorized "riffs" that highlighted President Obama's deliberate plan to wreck the nation and Trump's small penis, two themes that enthused voters. Rubio is not running for Senate and will now ponder his future in public service, which members of the Tea Party movement that put him into power in 2010 hope focuses on applying wax to the floors of government buildings.

Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas said Rubio's withdrawal makes it a two-man race between himself and Trump. "I am the only other candidate with a path to a first-ballot victory," he said; namely, losing to Trump in state after state as he did on Tuesday.

Kasich, after talking at length about himself, reverted to his stump speech: His litany regarding the Ohio state budget and employment statistics, two subjects intensely boring to most Americans outside this state capital, though less boring than Kasich talking about himself. However, attendees at the Kasich victory party sat still and politely applauded, aware that supporters of Hillary Clinton managed to boo a debate moderator who asked her how she intends to campaign from prison, and squealed with delight when she declared, "I'm not even going to answer that question."

"It is the least we could do," said Joe Wurzelbacher, a work-release convict from Toledo. "It's not like there's going to be another Kasich victory party."

In the Democratic Party, Hillary continued to barrel past Bernie Sanders. Sen. Sanders has advocated bringing back water-torture, but only for investment bankers. He promises to continue through the Democratic convention, for the sole purpose of railing against Goldman Sachs, though Hillary has stated that every speech she gives deprives the financial giant of $350,000. But Hillary has told "everyday Americans" that she left the White House "dead poor," as the billions from Saudi Arabia technically is the property of the Clinton family foundation.

  1. Every five minutes.

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