UnNews:Kanye West bottles his ego

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Kanye West bottles his ego

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14 February 2016

Bottle of Ego

Hard stuff:One sniff of Ego will turn even the most humble man into a thundering plonker for 30 minutes.

NEW YORK -- Pompous pop singer Kanye West has gone beyond continually putting on airs and has now begun putting his airs into bottles, making thousands of dollars selling helpings of his ego to Chinese buyers. West says the 580ml plastic containers of his ‘élan vital’ have been literally strutting out the door, but assures customers there is plenty more to go around.

The 21st century offers a panoply of options for pop stars wishing to launch their new product, be it perfume, fashion range, conscientious objections or even music. Or if they are Kanye West, their ego. Realising people are prepared to pay $160 a ticket just to see West play his music off a laptop — i.e. they are prepared to pay $160 to just see West — the disdainful diva has been bottling his hubris and selling it to the Chinese for $115 a throw.

Starting off in a room full of lidless jars, West harvests his ego in several ways; including reading about himself in magazines, standing in front of a full face mirror or listening to pod casts of his most mealy-mouthed interviews. His team then ‘harvest’ the ego in large nets and seal it in the jars before shipping across the world.

In Qi-Dong, West fan Hong Yi said: “It’s amazing to get a sniff of what it is like to have an ego like Kanye’s. Did you know that Hong Yi means ‘Vast Righteousness’? That’s a difficult name to live up to as a trainee fabricator in a shipyard. One hit of that ego though places you instantly into a world of such self-glorification, you need to sign some autographs sharpish, or you’ll keel over. It’s powerful stuff.”

Quite often orders are bespoke, with some clients requesting very particular circumstances for reaping the star’s essential-nature, such as opening Glastonbury, announcing candidacy for President or when ordering his very own diamond encrusted head.

In a bid to pacify the recent rift with his apprentice pop princess, Taylor Swift, West sent a free bottle of his ego as a sign that he was willing to forgive and forget, provided she apologizes for whatever she said on Twitter. In an interview, Ms. Swift admitted she had tried the ego, but it did nothing for her other than remind her a bit of 'horse shit'.

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