Kansas education reforms: Do they go too far enough?

Straight talk, from straight faces

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16 February 2007

Planet of the apes

The theory in a nutshell: Cross-breeding between Aryans and monkeys led to the creation of the human race around 1,000,000 BC.

TOPEKA, Kansas -- Rationality and reason triumphed in Kansas when the Kansas State Board of Education reversed an earlier backslide into dark-age attitudes and primitive superstition in the public school system. Free-thinkers everywhere are celebrating the crushing victory which enables enlightened teaching of the one true theory which explains how we are all distantly related to mucus-covered sea slugs and pubic lice.

Evolution, despite being a theory not supported by millions of years of observation (because we hadn't evolved yet), is correct. Although scientific principles insist that a theory cannot be proven, only disproven, any debate on the subject is mercilessly crushed for the good of humanity. The fossil records and observations that are used to support the theory of evolution can only be interpreted in one way - all alternatives are wrong. It is our responsibility to make sure that evolution is the only explanation allowed. Textbooks issued in Kansas shall henceforth expunge any passage that casts even a shadow of a doubt on the sheer absolute unquestionable factuality of evolution.

Creationism, also called "Intelligent Design" by pseudo-scientific charlatans who prey on the mentally retarded, is the obviously contrived explanation that "God did it because we have a book that says so". Evolution is scientific fact, which was discovered by Charles Darwin. There is doubt about his role in the so-called "discovery" of evolution, since it is so patently the obvious solution that it must've been clear to anyone not subjected to religious mumbo-jumbo brainwashing and he was probably just the first one to write down what everyone thought all along. Recent evolutionary evidence shows that religion is due to humans having sex with monkeys, producing a breed of gullible and stupid human hybrids. Religion was the cause of the rise of the Nazi party of Germany, the Communist party of Russia, and Al-Quaeda.

Honourary doctorates for the Kansas State Board of Education are being approved by every university in North America.

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