UnNews:KIA soldier to receive full-body transplant
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.|
30 March 2011
Front-line soldiers in the Polish Army often operate their service weapons in the distinctive "Polish style." Although their torsos and extremities are intact, they are killed by a bullet to the head, traveling through what they thought was the gunsight. Such casualties could benefit from full body transplants.
It comes a week after a Polish construction worker who suffered horrific injuries from falling into an industrial-size sausage grinder received the country’s first full torso transplant at Warsaw’s Polish Pope Memorial Hospital. The worker had his body completely ground up, but he remained alive as they managed to save his head. His soul was preserved in his head until a suitable full-torso transplant became available after a prospective donor blew his brain out in a suicide attempt.
Worldwide, there have been only about a dozen torso transplants, and although limbs and other body parts can easily be transplanted, this will be the first time that a KIA soldier would receive both a full torso as well as a transplanted head and face (including brain and sense organs). Only one person, a Frenchman, has had a combined face and head transplant, but he died from a heart attack after being lynched by a crazed mob carrying burning torches in 2009.
Prof. Hugo Frankenstein, director of surgery at the Royal Free Hospice in north London, has urged caution on Poland’s plans to carry out the complex procedure. According to the professor, this is how it might work: when a soldier is blown to bits his, or her soul still belongs on active duty. In other words, in spite of being killed, he has not received permission to die. The main problem is storing a totally obliterated solder’s soul until a suitable full body, with head, neck, torso, limbs, as well as preference of sex organ (male or female) can be transplanted onto the soul of the soldier.
“Gad, they are going to make a zombie! A Polish military zombie at that!” Frankenstein told the media. “It is quite possibly wrong to tamper with the dead, lest we create an abomination, like my forefather did.” In spite of his moral misgivings, Frankenstein is working with surgeons in Poland to proceed with the most difficult part: The actual transplant of the new body onto the disembodied soul.
It comes as Poland’s health watchdog, the National Institute for Coyote Logic (NICL), said there needs to be "more evidence" on the possible risks and benefits of full body transplant surgery, which is, effectively, bringing the dead back to life. It said health professionals should explain the uncertainties and possible risks to all patients considering the operation before they give their consent. “New recruits can simply sign a waiver upon induction,” proposed Captain Gomer Pylski of the Polish military recruitment bureau. Pylski’s idea was overwhelmingly voted as the most useful suggestion to result from the entire fiasco, regardless of the outcome.
- Staff "Injured soldier could receive face and hand transplant". Telegraph, March 30, 2011