Justice League rocked by sexless scandal
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, August 28, 2015, 03:24:UTC)(
27 February 2007
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EARTH, Solar System -- Rumors about the sexuality of the famed Super Friends have swirled around the groups various members for years. While many people have talked in hushed tones about Batman's NAMBLA-esqe leanings, Wonder Woman's bi-sexuality and Aquaman's fish fetish, only one of the Heroes has been spared the indignities of these vicious rumors and the lurid press coverage of the private life of a superhero that inevitably follows: Superman. Until now, that is. Superman's terrible secret has finally been unmasked.
He has never known the pleasure of a woman.
Word of Superman's virginity has left The Justice League of America in disarray. While the Man of Steel as of yet has not made any public statements regarding his super-inability to get all up in that, some of the less useful members of the JLA have turned media whore, spilling their collective heroic guts on what they know in exchange for a few bucks and some television exposure.
"I was the first to stumble onto his embarrassing secret," said Aquaman to Barbara Walters on Barbara Walters presents: A Barbara Walters Special, with Barbara Walters, "He put his diary in a plastic bag and hid it in the tank on the back of the toilet. How dumb is that? I'm friggin' Aquaman! We work together for forty-five years, and he still doesn't know that I'm the water-guy? <expletive>! Sure he can fly around the Earth to turn back time, but he can't put 'Aqua' and 'man' together? What a 'tard!"
"So, anyway. I was rooting around in the toilet tank...as is my want!...and I see a book wrapped in plastic, with 'Superman's Diary' on the cover." he continued, "I may not be the most useful Super Friend, I mean how often do you need a <expletive> dolphin or a school of fish, anyway? But even I know when I've struck gold. I found a pair of glasses, too...I still haven't figured out who they belong to."
Barbara Walters then interviewed Wonder Woman after a tour of her transparent jet. "So, like, Aquaman totally comes into my room with this book, right? And he's all, 'You've got to read this, girlfriend!'. And I was all, 'No way, I can't barge into someone's personal life like that! It would be, like, totally rude!'." said the superhero, "So he starts reading it out loud, right? And it was all full of poetry mourning his inability to score! I was all, 'Oh...my...God!'. I'm still in shock. I always thought 'The Man of Steel' was one of those, um, euphemisms, y'know?"
"He used to say that he had a girlfriend back in Metropolis. I asked the Bat-computer once where Metropolis was, and do you know what it said? 'Does not compute'. Damn, if I'd known that the poor guy was having trouble getting laid, I would've taken him to a bar or something." said Batman on Late Night with David Letterman. "To be honest, I'm kind of relieved that someone else is in the spotlight. It's nice that people are talking about something other than Robin and I. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, he's my ward! Nothing more."
The Flash, always the joker of the tight knit group, interrupted the program by zipping in to tell the audience that he's working on a behind-the-scenes book about the scandal, "The Virgina Monologues".
Superman is rumored to be hiding out in the Fortess of Solitude until the whole thing blows over, masturbating furiously.
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