UnNews:Just reminding you again that Osama bin Laden is dead

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2 May 2011

Osama

This is Osama bin Laden. He is dead.

KARACHI, Pakistan -- The naked corpse of terrorist mastermind and amateur filmmaker Osama bin Laden, wanted for his involvement with 9/11, was found yesterday in a Karachi nightclub. According to club owners, bin Laden had snorted copious amounts of mescaline which led to a fatal overdose. This differs from the Michael Bay-esque story presented by the American government in which American special forces killed him with a single headshot before carrying his body through the city of Abbotabad. Whatever the cause of his death may have been, everyone is glad, including Al-Qaeda who is claiming responsibility for his death.

But not everyone believes that bin Laden is dead. Some followers of bin Laden's Twitter account doubt the claims about him being dead. They reason that he would have posted something about his death on his Twitter by now; they expect him to refute or confirm these "rumors" sometime soon. Donald Trump has gone so far as to demand to see bin Laden's death certificate, and vows that he will not accept anything but the long form. Lastly, a guy named Bertrand in Phoenix, Arizona hasn't heard the news yet and thinks he's still alive.

Upon hearing news of bin Laden's death, hundreds of Americans rushed to ground zero in New York to see if the World Trade Center would magically reappear. When it became clear that it would not, the crowd resorted to getting drunk and partying. People in Kabul attempted to celebrate in a similar fashion, but a series of suicide bombings forced them to abandon their celebrations and return to being afraid and miserable.

When asked if Osama bin Laden is really dead, President Barack Obama eloquently stated, "Yes."

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