|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
14 May 2012
FISHWIFE, MI – Diane McTease, a high school student from the northern Michigan town of Fishwife, had a swell idea for a prom dress as she watched her
sexy sex ed teacher, Ms. Tew Cute, demonstrate the proper way to unroll a latex condom over a cucumber as a means of birth control and of protecting vegans from sexually-transmitted diseases. "I needed thousands of condoms, but our high school gives them away by the handful to promiscuous students, and with the help of my friends, I soon had more than I needed, although I did have to wash and dry a few because they were, well, kind of yucky."
The teen told a local television station that it took "four weekends in a row" to collect the 10,000 condoms she used to make her dress. "It was worth it, though," Diane said. The gown features a black condom "ball gown" skirt layered with prophylactics in semen-white. "I used whatever was on hand," Diane said, "or, rather, whatever was handed down to me."
She made the dress "on a dare, to prove someone wrong who said it couldn't be done," the junior designer explained. "That's the last thing anyone should say to a strumpet like me!"
Still, she admits, she couldn't have done it alone. "My dress is a group
sex project," she said. "A lot of friends were only too happy to lend a hand—so to speak—to make this happen."
Even her father contributed, Diane said. "And my little brother, Steve, gave me a few dozen, too, although neither Mom nor Dad know about his donations—or, at least, they didn't know until now. Oops! Sorry, Steve."
"My dress will be the talk of the school," Diane gushed, "or, now that it's going to be showcased on T. V., the talk of the town, maybe."
"I don't think there's any doubt about that," Jim Elliott, the cameraman agreed.
The dress is "beautiful, my friends say," Diane admitted, "but it has a practical use, too: not all the condoms I used were used. After the dance, when we go out on the town, my dress should come in handy in preventing pregnancies and STDs."
Diane said that the praise she's received from her friends has given her another idea. "I've already started saving the materials I need for my wedding gown," she declared. "It's going to be even better than my prom dress, decked out with colored condoms, ribbed condoms, lubricated condoms, spermicidal condoms, transparent condoms, French ticklers—you name it!"
Her idea for a condom wedding gown has caught the attention of several of the product's many manufacturers, including Trojan, Durex, and Lifestyles. In cooperation with local businesses frequented by students on prom night, these companies are offering free party favors.
Fast-food restaurants, often the eateries of choice for after-prom outings, are among the suppliers along with sporting goods manufacturers. "And they have publicly thanked me for inspiring them!" Diane gushed.