Jump, might as well jump

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Saturday, February 23, 2019, 02:51:59 (UTC)

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22 April 2018

Roo in rockpile

Let he who is without sin cast the first owowowowowow.

BEIJING, China – A 12-year-old female kangaroo died from injuries sustained by rock-throwing zoo visitors in Fuzhou, apparently in an attempt to make the animal hop around. Another kangaroo later sustained severe injuries in similar fashion. The rock throwers also apparently ran out of convenient rocks and tore apart the tiger enclosure for more stones and bricks, with its occupants escaping and eating several children. "Happily, they were only girls," noted a zoo spokesperson.

Upon hearing the report, many zoo visitors were confused, as some were convinced the exhibit was a do-it-yourself kangaroo meat buffet. Others in a group of supervisors from a nearby iPhone factory thought physical torture was good for the soul and proved it by beating a reporter questioning them. A group of children of Communist Party officials officially stated that they officially saw the kangaroo hitting itself with a rock.

Zookeepers were notified of the first rock-throwing incident but found nothing but a crowd innocently admiring rocks and bricks by the kangaroo enclosure. They then returned to their dinner of barbecued elephant and were unaware of a second attack. In fact, rock-throwing is common there and the city of Fuzhou has promoted "Sharpshooter Days at the Zoo" in the past.

Australians have complained about the attack noting that large trucks and SUVs with roo bars traveling at high speed should be used to properly exterminate the animals.

Chinese president-for-life Xi Jinping took time to point out the shoddy workmanship of Australian kangaroos that couldn't take minor bumps. "Chinese kangaroos are better-built, cheaper and more reliable." Xi still insisted on a replacement from Australia. The dead kangaroo was a gift from North Korea who originally snatched her after mistaking her for then-Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard.

An unidentified zoo official dressed in full-body armor and helmet promised that they would do more to protect their charges after deaths of penguins, hawks, rhinos, monkeys, bears, snakes, lizards and other animals came to light. New security cameras will be installed replacing the broken ones that looked suspiciously dented by rock strikes. Only three kangaroos will be exhibited at a time, revved up on amphetamines to insure hopping. Kangaroos will no longer have bulls-eyes painted on them.