UnNews:Julian Assange stalemates U. K.

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 08:58, September 11, 2012 by Rei (talk | contribs)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search
This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

17 August 2012

Ecuaeng

U. K. thugs “guard” Ecuador

LONDON, U. K. ECUADOR – The United Kingdom—or that part of it that is England, at any rate—has declared war on Ecuador, claiming that the South American nation has no sovereignty and, therefore, is not legally or politically capable of acting according to its own legal and political interests, one of which is granting asylum to Internet blogger Julian Assange.

Assange barged into the Ecuadorian embassy on Friday, seeking—and receiving—political asylum, a move that took the Brits by surprise. “They're not much at political chess,” Assange contended.

The British government admits that Assange's tactic took officials by surprise. “Who would have thought that a man who is charged with crimes that could theoretically result in life imprisonment or even a sentence of death would seek to escape?” Prime Minsiter David Cameron asked.

Critics claim that Assange made good his escape because the Brits were focused upon the Olympics, games which, held in London, brought millions of dollars pounds to the country at a time when its coffers were all but empty.

Ecuador has extended asylum to Assange, which has “angered the Crown,” United Kingdom British Foreign Secretary William Hague announced, prompting the government to surround the Ecuadorian embassy with armed police officers to prevent Ecuador from flying Assange to Ecuador.

“We're in a stalemate,” Hague admitted. Privately, the secretary confessed that he “admires” Assange's “mastery of political chess,” agreeing that the blogger is “superior in political gamesmanship to the Crown.”

Allegedly, Assagne's web site, Wikileaks, has “embarrassed” the Obama administration and its allies by releasing a flood of top secret information that puts Western politicians in a bad light.

President Obama himself is on tape calling Israel's prime minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu a “twit” (or maybe a “twat”--the audio track is somewhat garbled).

Likewise, U. S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, is on record as calling former U. K. Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher “one sexy bitch” and “someone I'd definitely put at the top of my sexual bucket list, as someone to do before I die.”

Instead of granting Assange safe passage out of the U. K., as happens in the movies, the Brits have vowed to extradite Assange to Sweden, where he is wanted on sex crimes charges that are totally trumped up, according to my favorite liberal blogger as well as the website of record, ac991c87.assangeisinnocent.se.

Assange, 41, is being held prisoner, in effect, by the army of police officers guarding Ecuador's embassy, which, under the same international law that the host nation has already violated in refusing to permit Assange's transportation to his country of asylum, illegally detains.

Ecuadorian Foreign Minister Ricardo Patino contends that the U. K. has, in effect, “kidnapped Mr. Assange, a citizen of our great nation.”

The peppery South American country's leader, President Rafael Correa, said that the Brits are trying to intimidate him and his countrymen, adding, “No one is going to scare us,” and has instituted sanctions against the “criminal country,” cutting off exports of bananas and shrimp.

If the U. K. persists in violating Ecuador's rights by falsely imprisoning its newest citizen, Correa has vowed to add “stronger sanctions,” including the prohibition of exports of marijuana, cocaine, and heroin. “That should have an impact on them,” he predicted.

The U. S. claims to have no interest in the matter, although Secretary Clinton has been shuttling back and forth between No. 10 Downing Street and the Ecuadorian embassy, hat in hand.

Personal tools
projects