UnNews:Judge orders court to apologise to Grim Reaper, who was prosecuted for having a scythe
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Judge orders court to apologise to Grim Reaper, who was prosecuted for having a scythe
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 4, 2015, 11:17:UTC)(
9 October 2008
A JUDGE HAS ORDERED A PUBLIC APOLOGY be issued to the Grim Reaper who was arrested and taken to court for having a scythe in the back of his van. The Reaper, who is "Death incarnate" spent eight months waiting for his case to come to trial after being accused of having offensive weapons. He was on his way to harvest the soul of a dying gentleman who was due to meet his end in a drug fueled gay erotic self auto-asphyxiation accident with his set of scythes in his van when he was stopped earlier this year.
"Death" told police he used the scythes in his soul harvesting work, which he argued had been his job since the dawn of time, but the case was taken through the courts.
The case was only dropped when he obtained written references from the legions of the dear departed who had been previously harvested telling how they had seen him use his mystic tool exclusively as a means of collecting the immortal souls from their freshly dead corpses. "Death" walked free from Truro Crown Court after it was accepted that his scythe, though a terrible harbinger of doom, could not legally be defined as an offensive weapon.
The Grom Reaper, 49, of Saltash, in Cornwall, who took up the harvesting of souls since souls first took on mortal form in the dim primoridal mists of time, said he was distraught at with the way the case was handled and blamed the stress on the breakdown of his relationship to "War", one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Though he now has found new love with "Pestilance", The Grim Reaper says that his enjoyment of claiming the souls of the newly dead have been sullied by the whole sorry saga.
He said: "The whole thing knocked me for six. I've spent an eternity reaping souls and bringing news of imminent death and when I was arrested my reputation was held into question and, as Death Incarnate, reputation is a very important thing to maintain in this business. I'm disgusted, really. Now I just want to get back to the business of knocking on doors in the dead of night to usher unsuspecting souls into the afterlife."
Judge Darlow added: "Quite apart from any trial and trauma that "Death" has been through, by knowing that in October he would be in front of a jury I think some sort of public apology to The Grim Reaper from the court would not go amiss."
Unfortunately all the prosecutors had mysteriously dropped dead so were unable to offer an apology.