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Judge Wapner dies

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27 February 2017

Joseph Wapner

Judge Wapner encouraged TV viewers to believe that the Courts belonged to them, long after they concluded that the Congress did not.

HOLLYWOOD, California -- Judge Joseph Wapner, 97, has gone on high to try small-claims cases at St. Peter's court, leaving the Trump judiciary strategy in tatters.

Judge Wapner died in his sleep of breathing problems, according to family members, as the judge does not even have a full-time publicist.

Trump had hoped to appoint Wapner to the U.S. Supreme Court to replace Antonin Scalia, who also had notorious breathing problems a year ago. In Trump's master strategy, this would let Wapner conduct brand-new syndicated episodes of The People's Court, while Trump emceed Celebrity Apprentice nearby in the White House, bellowing out, "You're Fired!" to losers such as ill-fated General Michael T. Flynn. The American people could use their clickers to flip between channels, while retail sale of microwave popcorn would "Make America Great Again."

Democrat leader Charles Schumer of New York signaled his opposition to the Wapner decision, one day before Trump made it, and the Congressional skullduggery began. Republicans at the CPAC conference cheered for their leaders in Congress to use the "nuclear option." In this option, Trump would pick a random country to blow up and then utter the perennial cliché that, in wartime, all disagreements must "end at the water's edge."

But Republican leader Mitch McConnell said that, rather than declare opposition votes irrelevant, as his predecessor had done, he would horse-trade for them, fair and square. As 8 Democrat votes are needed, McConnell needed to quickly find 8 issues on which for Republicans to concede defeat, in order to be owed enough favors to confirm Wapner onto the Court.

With Wapner's death, however, all these plans are on hold. It falls to Trump to nominate a new Justice, in an environment where the CIA is wiretapping everyone and passing transcripts to the New York Times, the streets are clogged with feminists in Pussy Hats overturning cars, and Trump, after two weeks of frantic Executive Orders, is conceding on everything from Flynn to Taiwan to quick action on tax cuts. Insiders, speaking off the record as they are not authorized to contribute to Fake News, look for the new nominee to be compromise candidate Al Sharpton.

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