UnNews:Judge Brings Down Ruling in New Jersey Satan Case
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Judge Brings Down Ruling in New Jersey Satan Case
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, March 28, 2017, 10:08:UTC)(
23 March 2006
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This morning, Judge E. J. Smitterling handed down his decision over the notorious New Jersey case where a woman, Cynthia Barnes, has tried to sue Satan, also known as Lucifer or the Devil, for mental anguish caused by all crimes committed ever.
"It's obvious that Satan is the cause for every crime out there, so why don't we go after the source instead of nailing the victims?" said Ms. Barnes's attorney last Saturday. "It's perfectly reasonable that we try for $1.7 trillion dollars. We can't let Satan get away with just a 'slap on the wrist'."
Friends and family have eagerly awaited the judge's decision on whether or not the case will come to trial. Mr. Henry Barnes, the child of Ms. Barnes, plans to donate his share to the humanitarian cause of, in his words, "buying Lower Manhattan".
Today, however, Judge Smitterling passed down a ruling that threw the case out of court on the basis that Satan is not a New Jersey resident.
"How the hell does he know?" exclaimed Ms. Barnes on the news, "Have you ever been to Newark?"
The Devil's Advocates, Satan's lawyers, have declined comment.