UnNews:Judean police issue warnings about child trafficking gang
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Judean police issue warnings about child trafficking gang
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 24, 2017, 09:59:UTC)(
24 December 2013
Police Inspector King Herod the Great has issued a public warning about a child trafficking threat in Judea.
Speaking to an audience of soldiers, Herod said drawings and icons had been issued to local officers to look out for one particular gang of 'Kiddie groomers' known as 'The Wise Men'. He said their names were either Caspar, Melchior, and Balthasar or not as The Bible had been less than helpful in pin pointing who these villains are.
We have been on the track of these jokers since they crossed the border over from Parthia. They claim they are looking for 'the Messiah' but our intelligence services say they try to entice children into a life of prophecy, miracles and crucifixion with free gifts of gold, frankincense, myrrh and Playstations. If you find them lurking around your barns or out houses, let my boys know and we'll sort out these so-called 'Messiah seekers'.
Inspector King Herod said it should be easy to spot these men as they look like 'actors from a cheap pantomime'. He said he will also organise a meeting of concerned parents and newly born male babies to discuss this existential threat to his authority.
- Staff "Judean Police issue warning about three weirdy beardies". The Judean Guardian, December 24, 2013