UnNews:Judas released on parole
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Judas released on parole
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, December 4, 2016, 00:02:UTC)(
15 August 2009
California, USA After a five year sentence in California's Corcan State Prison, Judas Iscariot was released today and put under the supervision of parole officer Jim McStean. The prison sentence came about after Judas was arrested after being found guilty in a DUI case in which one elderly woman was hit by the car he was driving. Now, out of prison, Judas is banned from driving for two years at which point he will have to retake his driving test; all of this depends however on his attendance to his local AA meetings.
Since his betrayal of Christ some years ago, the life of Iscariot has seemingly been spiraling downwards towards an unknown end, his most recent upset costing him five years of his life. Judas' popularity fell dramatically after handing Jesus over to Pontious Pilot and he payed with his social life; his girlfriend of six months at the time left him and took his dog, the other disciples of Jesus banned him from further 'last suppers' and the community as a whole drove him out of Israel. Armed with only the rags that covered his body Judas had started hitchhiking, resorting to some of the evils that Jesus had discussed in order to pay for food. One thing that had gone well for Judas was his writing, his parents had encouraged this creative streak in their son and he found solace in this; whilst traveling he took to writing down the adventures that he, Jesus and the disciples had taken up, stories which he later claimed were stolen by author Enid Blyton.
After many years of traveling around mainland Europe Judas still had no idea where he wanted to be and as a result of the promiscuous sex required for his lifestyle he had fallen victim to oral infections. His hands were tired and arthritic from having written for many years and so Judas found reading to be the one thing he could do without any discomfort. It was around this time that upcoming author Charles Dickens had released his latest novel, Oliver Twist, in which a young orphan with no purpose traveled to London to make his fortune. Having obviously not read the whole book and finding out the events which Oliver had to overcome on his journey, Judas set his sights to London, hoping he too would find an elderly man who took pleasure in catering for young boys. Six hours later, after taking the channel ferry from Roscoff in to Plymouth, he had arrived in England and was a step closer to London.
He arrived in London just before 10 o clock that evening, something, he wrote in his book of recollections, that he doesn't feel he could have achieved if it weren't for his Nike trainers which he had lifted off a young teenager who had also been on the same crossing to England as he had. Unfortunately London wasn't at all what Dickens had portrayed it to be; after standing by a cabbage stall for an hour, waiting for some pickpocket to invite him back to his house, Judas found that he himself had been victim to a pickpocket who had, much to his dismay, stolen his book but had left his money. Wondering the streets of London he found himself looking for a sign and as his legs became weary he happened upon a public house, the name of which was Shepherd's Tavern. Knowing from his friends that Shepherds could be kind folk he rushed into the pub and stayed there the night; having only ever drank wine and water, he found himself intoxicated rather quickly with the intake of Ales and found them to have a magnetism he could not resist.
This unfortunately marked the beginning of the rest of his life for Judas who visited the pub every evening after working the streets during the day. Some time later he immigrated to America where he fell into the evils of gambling which resulted in several suicide attempts.
When he was finally arrested five years ago Judas was toothless, unshaven and unwashed and was welcomed with open arms by the other inmates into the prison. Now that he's a free man rumours have spread that he has found family in America, it is unclear whether he will seek them out in order to start anew or if he will be tempted by alcohol and the life of a bum. Until he finishes his parole however his first port of call will be the Job Centre.
- Associated Press "Charles Manson follower Lynette 'Squeaky' Fromme released from prison". Guardian Online, August 15, 2009