UnNews:Journalist gets head cut off; Obama muffs chip shot
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Journalist gets head cut off; Obama muffs chip shot
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, October 26, 2016, 04:24:UTC)(
22 August 2014
CHILMARK, Massachusetts -- Shortly after race riots broke out in Ferguson, Missouri, a beheading of a journalist broke out in Iraq, causing a "heartbroken" President Obama to guide a key fairway drive to the left.
The tragic event occurred on the 14th hole of the Mink Meadows Country Club here. The ball landed in the middle of a sandtrap on the left side of the 14th green.
Seeing Mr. Obama playing golf as the U.S. strikes northern Iraq has been jarring to his critics. "Every day, we see that he'd rather be on the golf course," Dick Cheney told Fox News. But White House spokesman Eric Schultz, who accompanied Mr. Obama on vacation, said, "He's deeply engaged on issues." Mr. Schultz noted that the apparent party-sized pizza in the golf cart is actually the nuclear football, with which the President can start Armageddon rather than simply breaking a club over his knee. Given such official statements, the networks have avoided covering the remarks of people who are obviously just going to criticize anything the President does.
Indeed, Mr. Obama did deliver brief, stinging remarks after ISIS sawed off the head of American journalist James Foley, 40, whom Mr. Obama referred to intimately as "Jim." When the press conference is viewed in HDTV, one can see or imagine a tiny tear under Mr. Obama's left eye. However, millions more instead opted to view the beheading, which ISIS helpfully deposited on YouTube, the service whose shocking wares induced dirt-poor Libyan youths with shoulder-fired rocket launchers and English-language protest signs to storm an American consulate and kill an Ambassador in 2012. When this crisis broke out, it disturbed what should have been a peaceful re-election of Mr. Obama.
In separate news, another Russian invasion broke out in Ukraine today. This too affected the sensitive Mr. Obama, as his hands could be seen to tremble as they gripped the driver on the 17th green: another crisis threatening to distract his transformational Presidency, further delay the economic recovery and the lowering of ocean levels, and raise his handicap.
- Darlene Superville "Obama taking less vacation, but too much for some". Associated Press, August 22, 2014