This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
WEST BANK, Palestine -- Joshua, son of Nun, leader of the tribe of Ephraim and successor to Moses, has led the LORD's righteous army, the Israelite Defense Force, to victory over an idolatrous mob of gentile savages in the Canaan region of the Middle East.
Jericho, with walls both thick and strong, bastion of the seething Amalek horde, on land created by the LORD for the chosen people but filled with wicked and degenerate Amorites rather than virtuous and faithful Israelites, has fallen to the LORD's army and their miracle weapons, including walking in great circles and the Ark of the Covenant.
"I couldn't have done it all by myself. Well, I could have, but it would have taken a lot longer. I'd like to thank my men for sacrificing their foreskins for a dose of the LORD's favor; especially the older ones who were getting snipped for the second time. My second-in-command told me, 'Sir, I know Moses appointed you ruler of the Israelites and all, but I am doubtful that the lads will stand for a second cut. There wasn't much there to start with and, if we do as you say, there won't be anything left at all.'. In the end we agreed to not tell them until the mohel joined us at our camp near at the foot of the Hill of Foreskins. Oh, and props to our LORD for the Ark. Seeing it being carried around the perimeter of Jericho really helped to keep the men's minds off of the sting down in their naughty no-no place. I haven't been so filled with joy since I walked across the bottom of the Jordan." said Joshua.
Joshua, our LORD's general, once parted the Jordan river. While the official and inerrant oral histories say that he did this to help his army ford the river on their way to liberate Canaan from the people who lived there, off the record he admits that he did it just to see if he could.
"Some of the chosen men chafed at the idea of walking all around Jericho a bunch of times, but it was a critical part of our strategic plant to destroy the vicious Canaanites who've occupied our land since before the LORD told my predecessor that it belonged to us, rather than to the people that live there. Seven days of walking in circles and a trumpet blow later and the walls of Jericho came a’ tumbling down. Hey, that's a good line. Someone write it down...I mean, the LORD commands that someone write it down." he continued.
Jericho, one of the jewels of the occupied territories, fell to Joshua's assault after its defensive walls crumbled under the ground-shaking might of the LORD's will. Virtually all of the inhabitants of the city were put to the sword before it was looted and burned to the ground.
When asked by the throng of reporters about the high level of civilian Canaanite casualties, estimated to be 99.9 percent, he said this in his defense, "Of course, we killed them all. Men, women, children, babies and livestock. They're all Amorite to us, right? If my Lord tells me to go into the land of Canaan and skewer some broad who's breastfeeding her mongrel baby, who am I to say 'no'? It's not like they wouldn't do the same to us if they knew what we were planning to do to them. The Golden Rule, I say; do unto others what the LORD says you should do to them."
As for his immediate future, "The budgetary surplus provided by Jericho's liberated silver and gold will go to cleanse other cities in Canaan, like Ai, Makkedah, Libnah, Lachish, Gezer, Eglon, Hebron, Debir, and Hazor, of the filthy and disease-ridden squatters that infest the region. There is only one answer to the goyim question."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|