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22 March 2007
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The 2008 Presidential Race is heating up like never before. Hillary Clinton, Oscar Wilde, Sinbad, God, Pee-wee Herman, Barack Osama, and Dubya have already announced that they are running as Democrats, and that Rudy Giuliani is running as a nasty right-wing Republican. Now, the Democrats have another candidate.
Meet Josh Server (D-IL). Server, a famed former All That cast member, announced his bid for presidency Wednesday, after watching something stupid on YouTube about a leprechaun sighting, with a bunch of friends of his. This historic event received little attention due to reports of the aforementioned leprechaun in Mobile, AL. He said in his speech in front of Kind Of A Lot-O' Comics:
“I may be young and, like, a dude, but I am totally your next President! Don't vote for Hillary, vote for Josh! Ear Boy!!!!!”
“George Bush is so uncool, you know? He's, like, an idiot who can't even run his own country. Fuck, even Patrick Star has a higher IQ than this nasty right wing bastard. And what exactly does GOP stand for anyway? Gay Old Punks? Government of Prison? Group of Oppressive Perverts? Government of Pizza? Pizza is cool, so totally gnarly, dude!”
Josh allegedly suffers from ADD, like 25% of young folks today. Republicans have already questioned his stability, moral character, age, values, and priorities. Server has fired back at Republicans, saying,
“Conservative scumbags! You're acting like you're my dad or something, dude! You elephants are totally uncool! Wanna hear a song on my iPod? It's 'Lazy Sunday' from SNL. Cereal plus Beer equals Crazy Delicious!”
Server is anti-Republican, pro-choice, supports gay rights, supports toga parties, opposes present-day Nickelodeon, and strongly opposes the War in Iraq. "The only war I, like, support is The GI Joe-Transformers War. I have had it with Iraq and all this crap. Go back home and play with your Barbies or something, dude!" he said Saturday.
If elected, Server will outlaw Sesame Street and Barney. "Those shows suck man!" he says. "I'm not a little kid anymore, dude!" Teen pop music will be banned from the radio in favor of Van Halen, Metallica, Britney Spears, AC/DC, and William Shatner.
Josh Server has filmed a series of campaign ads with his running mate, Chirpie, some guy in a bid suit. The first ad will air Monday during American Idol, and will re-air during Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? UnNews has your first look at the new ad:
He is currently leading in the polls, with Ross Perot at a close second. Not surprising, since they both have humongous ears. Barack Osama is at a close third.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|