UnNews:Jordan fucks fans off
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Jordan fucks fans off
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, September 1, 2015, 00:46:UTC)(
10 August 2009
Bournemouth, UK -- 31 year old anorexic Katie Jordan was today booed by disaffected fans after not showing up at an important book signing session. She claimed that she had lost a veneer.
After a particularly trying chew, the svelte, Everton mint munching, former model and Parliamentary candidate failed to turn up for a session she had arranged for her latest tome, 'Quantum Physics and Modelling'.
One pissed off member of the general public was a Mr S Hawking who had been very keen to question Jordan about her Black Hole theory. "It's very disappointing", begun the Oxford born left hander. "She has some really interesting points. I'd like to examine them all in great detail."
Winner of 713 votes in the 2001 General Election with a 'Free Breast Implant' manifesto, the 5ft 5" mother of eight was unrepentent. "My teeth really hurted," she maintained, "and besides the cricket was well warming up."
The 'F' cup size, Bumble fan has been known to court controversy before. After claims that she had sent lewd phone messages to his Holiness to get into the Pope's lovely lady list, her propriety has been questioned by none other than the infamous Crosby poet Roger Van Gogh. "She's not a bad looker," argued meditationalist Van Gogh. "If you look very, very closely at her tits for more than an hour, you can actually feel the Earth move in its orbit." The bespectacled self styled 'Father of Poetry' then wiped his specs, rewound the DVD back to the start, pressed the super slow motion button and settled back down on the couch.
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