UnNews:Jolie to paint rainbow family
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Jolie to paint rainbow family
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 4, 2015, 20:52:UTC)(
23 March 2007
While American film actress Angelina Jolie once wanted to adopt a rainbow family: she has now been forced to paint it. UnNews and UnTertainment were able to confirm that she has given up trying to adopt multi-coloured children and is instead doing a DIY job.
"Like, since Brad Pitt is a fugly infertile freak," alliterated Jolie, "with a tiny penis, I had to totally adopt my children. Plus he's gay. But he doesn't want that to come out to the press, so I won't tell you."
Her newest adoption, Pac-Thing (formerly Sham Quack Sprung) was first to go under the brush in order to achieve this. Blue was the planned colour: however, due to a queue at Bunnings, red was instead the choice.
"Fate is really the reason," Jolie told a very UnInterested UnNews, "I mean, after all, Pac-man was red, wasn't he?"
"No." Replied UnNews.
Pink, yellow, orange and sky blue are confirmed colours and the orphanage of choice is the Buy These Kids Cheap or They Go into the Stew.
"I like, like blue. Like, like like it. It's like my favourite, like, colour," said Jolie, liking what she said.
In an UnExclusive UnNews UnTerview, we gathered that motives behind this peculiar want.
Jolie: I've always wanted a colourful family, I've sat back in awe watching the Teletubbies, wanting colourful children of my own.
UnNews: What made you want to do this crazy thing, you strange woman?
UnNews: What are some advantages of painted children, weirdo?
Jolie: They are totally awesomely...good. Plus, you don't have to dress them up for Sydney's Gay Mardi Gras.
UnNews: What are the disadvantages, goat brains?
Jolie: You'll have to keep patching the paint. Especially if it's water based. On the bright side, they'll never be cold from all the coats you keep on applying.
UnNews: But seriously, do you think that the social responsibilities of raising a coloured child are causing too much pressure in your heterosexual long-term relationship with your associate in love?
UnNews: Thank you Angelina, no further questions.
Jolie: Ooh, I know the answer to this one...