UnNews:Joke Writer Dies of Stroke
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Joke Writer Dies of Stroke
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 29, 2015, 13:02:UTC)(
9 February 2007
Kakplaas, South Africa. In a bizarrely ironic turn of events John Miller (56), a joke writer for the Kakplaas Herald, actually died after a physiotherapist stroked his back. The healer had apparently used cyanide instead of coconut oil for lubrication.
Whether the poisoning was accidental seemed highly unlikely considering the facts that
- a) the physiotherapist was wearing 3 sets of rubber gloves at the time and
- b) cyanide smells like almonds, not coconuts.
“I can't believe it's true,” said a rather ecstatic Kakplaas resident (32), “his jokes were awful, and now we're finally rid of them.” John's comedic skill was apparently limited to really bad and often offensive puns. Oblivious to his lack of humor, John was always eager to share his less-than-A-grade batch of comedy.
Some of the worst instances include:
- What do cancer ridden patients use to make their fries taste like fish? Ho-spice.
- Did you know Katie Holmes did a cruise for her honeymoon? They also said that Africa was great.
- Did you hear about the super cheap metal they sold? It was a steel.
“We obviously knew his jokes were complete and utter shit,” commented Joe Ben (43), editor of the Kakplaas Herald, “but we kinda figured the joke was the joke.” Miller was also an active contributor to Encyclopedia Dramatica, the only known community who actually enjoyed his humor.
Picking up the Kakplaas Herald will now, no doubt, be far more legal than it used to be. The publisher of the paper is currently in talks with various law firms to confirm their chances of getting the countrywide ban lifted.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|