UnNews:Johnson family disappointed by new baby
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Johnson family disappointed by new baby
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, June 29, 2016, 00:23:UTC)(
SEATTLE, Washington -- Barry Johnson and his wife, Dana, freely admit that the new member of the family is a dud. The newborn, unnamed, has thus far consistently failed to live up to the family's expectations.
"It doesn't do anything, really. I attempted tossing the ball to it in the backyard, but all it did was roll over and drool on the lawn. I tried all afternoon to teach it to play catch...every time I tossed the baseball, it would just sit there and let the ball bounce off it's comically oversized head. Sad. Maybe it'll be better at football." said Barry, "All it does is poop and sleep. Our sixteen year-old poodle, Buttons, does that, but at least she can fetch. Sigh...I should have got that vasectomy in college. At this point I don't think we'll even bother to name it."
Stirred from a nap by the sound of her name, Buttons refused to comment, and scampered to hide behind the couch to avoid being interviewed.
The baby was trouble, neighbors recall, right from the beginning. On condition of anonymity, one had this to say, "Dana had this weird glow about her, and she put on a ton of weight. Started acting odd, too. I came back from buying groceries and took a load into the house. When I came back out, Dana was sitting on the bumper of our SUV rooting around in the remaining bags. I told her to stop, but she mixed my pickles in with the ice cream. Madness!"
Barry's mother, Avigail, is annoyed that she has not been spared the indignity of an uninteresting grandchild. "My Barry was such a yeshiva bucher when he was a shtikale. Smart as a whip, and a pekl of energy to boot! But his yingl is a bust. My God, what a nudnik! I had better schmes at Aviva's leweie. It just lays there staring at the steile with those faded bloi eyes on his punim. My parents told me that hasene with a gentile, my dear departed husband, would bring only tsures on our schtub. It's coming back to haunt me now. God forbid meine muter should come back from the dead to say 'I told you so', but she told me so."
"It's nothing like the brochure said it would be." states Dana between tears, "Mostly it just sits there. The rest of the time it's either crying or tugging on my breasts. It's just like my husband, but smaller."
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