UnNews:Johnson family adopt cat possessed by the devil
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Johnson family adopt cat possessed by the devil
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 2, 2015, 03:22:UTC)(
6 June 2008
Seattle, Washington- Last week, Barry Johnson, his wife Dana, their daughter, Sailor Moon (remember the UnNews: Johnson family disappointed by new baby article? They were just kidding about the "not naming her" part), and their seventeen-year-old poodle Buttons adopted what seemed to be your average kitty cat at first. Several hours after the adoption, "the cat started to breathe fire from his mouth and hover over our heads," says Barry. "He also had telekinetic powers, which seemed strange for a cat." Because of his strange powers, the family named the Chartreux cat Phantom. They also called an exorcist so they could figure out what was going on with the cat. "When I asked Phantom's family if he breathed fire, hovered over their heads, had telekinetic powers, and had two sets of ears, the family said yes to all of those questions," says Vyolin Chiao, an exorcist originating from South Korea. "Then I told them, 'Johnsons, your cat is possessed by the devil. You must get rid of him immediately. Otherwise the demons from Hell will possess you and make you their minions.'" The Johnsons now have 28 days to get rid of the cat or be minions of Satan forever.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|