UnNews:John Reid Wants Hattersley Dead
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John Reid Wants Hattersley Dead
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Friday, December 9, 2016, 19:21:UTC)(
28 September 2006
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LONDON-UNDER-THE-TOESTUB, England -- John Reid said today that he wants Roy Hattersley to shoot himself. This year's party fancy, Reid, whose single 'Mother Of Mine' went to number one in 1972 after winning Opportunity Knocks, has grown up into an offensive and violent adult, probably in reaction to the taunts he received for singing about his mother.
Once an irksome, precocious little bastard, Reid has moved up through the ranks of Socialist and Communist parties and is aiming for the ultimate in knee-jerk studenty politics: the leadership of the Labour Party. In an interview after his conference speech, Reid said 'I just want Hattersley dead. I have hated him ever since he used to be the barman in Coronation Street'.
The innoffensive Mr Hattersley, formerly a Labour man himself but now a Tory candidate for the Nantwich constituency, sat at home watching Corrie gurgling and spitting while the world talked about his possible suicide.
In an unprecedented move by this publication, our editor got off the fence and said Reid is a nasty, evil little Scottish bastard and has started a Mother Of Mine amnesty. You can bring your copies of the single to us without recourse and in total anonymity. A bonfire will be held on the feast of St. Vitus.