UnNews:John Petroski finds that rape hurts, even if you don't fight it
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John Petroski finds that rape hurts, even if you don't fight it
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 23, 2017, 02:36:UTC)(
13 February 2007
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BUNGHOLE, Connecticut - Central Connecticut State University student, and author of Rape Only Hurts If You Fight It, John Petroski, found out late Sunday night that the title of his recent article was wrong.
After being involved in a series of foreceful unlubricated thrusts from angry, strap-on wielding, man-hating dykes, John Petroski has changed his opinion on rape. "It's not funny,", he told us during an in-person interview. He then made a pained expression, and continued, "I wish these bitches would have used lube or something. They must think this sort-of behavior is funny, like my article."
Megan Burkehardt, leader of the unruly mob, and leader of the campus "Take Back the Night Crusade", could not be reached for interview, but at one point during the incident, was overheard screaming "This is satire. We are satirizing your opinion."
John Petroski made headlines over the weekend after publishing an article entitled "Rape Only Hurts If You Fight It" in his school's newspaper, The Recorder. Claiming that it was "a satire about the media's glamorization of rape", Mr. Petroski excused himself of responsibility. Even after the school held a large open forum to discuss this and he was confronted by rape victims, he claimed he was innocent and still thought that his article "was really funny."
Since the rape-of-John-Petroski incident Sunday night, in which Mr. Petroski barely struggled against the ravenous, ravaging dildo-wielding strap-on-wearing women, Mr. Petroski's opinion has changed dramatically. "Okay, okay, it wasn't funny, and neither was what just happened. In fact, it actually hurt, and even though I treated them with respect, I didn't get the reach-around I so eagerly wanted and yearned for. A little lube would have been nice, but beggars can't be choosers, I guess," he said during a press-conference following the incident. He did, however, acknowledge that is was a "magical experience", if only for the enlightenment it brought him.
Many students on campus agreed that Mr. Petroski certainly did "beg for it".