John McCain calls for War on Bears
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Tuesday, March 19, 2019, 19:40:UTC)(
4 September 2008
"For too long have we tolerated these furry menaces," McCain said to a confused but nonetheless enthusiastically cheering crowd. "For too long have we let them eat our children and our garbage. For too long have we stood idly by while they rub their stupid backs against perfectly good trees."
"These ursine evildoers have eaten our salmon. They have depleted our precious natural resources. They have stood around looking stupid, with their stupid little faces and their stupid beady eyes. They have attacked our national monuments and imprisoned our children in ratholes in Southeast Asia. America, this is my promise to you: no more fucking bears."
In light of this new revelation, some of McCain's policies have begun to make a certain kind of sense. For example, McCain has spent much of his campaign attacking a small program in Montana to track the population of native Grizzlies. Until now, he has claimed "pork barrel spending" as the basis for this assault. However, McCain today further clarified his stance on the issue.
"It's not that I mind Montana receiving $3 million to deal with its bear problem," explained the grizzled (no pun intended) Senator. "It's just that the $3 million could go to something better than studying their DNA. Like equipping Montana hunters with night vision goggles and grenade launchers. And swords that have guns on them. And satellites with lasers that can cook bears from space. That ought to level the playing field a bit."
McCain's 'War on Bears' also explains the selection of his running mate. Until now, the media had been wondering why McCain would have picked an inexperienced, scandal-ridden woman who would almost certainly hurt his credibility with political moderates.
The reason is simple: Sarah Palin may not have much experience with governing, but no one in the U.S. government can claim nearly as much experience with killing bears. Palin has practically made a career out of killing bears. She has not only shot bears from helicopters, but spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to teach Alaskan children how to do so. She once engaged a bear in hand-to-hand combat despite being in premature labor, and left its amniotic fluid-stained body bleeding on the taiga. When she plays Tekken, she plays as Kuma, and intentionally loses."Global warming doesn't kill polar bears," Palin told the nation in a prepared statement. "I kill polar bears."
"My critics will tell you that drilling in the ANWR threatens polar bear habitats," Palin continued. "The way I see it, the only habitat for polar bears in the ANWR is one with their head directly under one of those drills. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have grizzlies to kill." Palin then smeared shoe polish under her eyes, clenched a machete between her teeth, and slunk out into the night.
McCain raised one additional point about Palin: she lives near Russia. "Sarah Palin lives much closer to Russia than that pansy Joe Biden," contended McCain. "Russia's national mascot is, as you know, the Great Bear. Therefore, because of her vicinity to Russia, no one is better equipped to deal with Russian bears than Sarah Russia. Sarah Palin. Excuse me."
From the campaign trail, Barack Obama issued a scathing rebuttal to McCain's assertion that the greatest problem facing America is homicidal bears.
"Senator McCain is a great American," said Obama. "Criticizing him would be divisive and has no place in this campaign."
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- Jeremy Hance "Presidential Candidate John McCain Hates Bears". Some Obscure Publication No One Has Ever Heard Of, August 21, 2008
- Steve Benen "Sarah Palin Lives Near Russia and Therefore Knows Everything". CBS News, September 4, 2008