UnNews:John Mark Karr confesses to murdering Steve Irwin, extradited to Australia for DNA testing
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John Mark Karr confesses to murdering Steve Irwin, extradited to Australia for DNA testing
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, September 5, 2015, 01:19:UTC)(
7 September 2006
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Oz (Tha CW) -- John Mark Karr stunned the world again with another shock confession, admitting that he, rather than a stingray, as previously believed, murdered Steve Irwin, explaining that it was "an accident."
"You see, I accidentally mistook Mr. Irwin for a little girl." explained Mr. Karr. "I must have been pretty fucked up on shrooms, I rather suppose."
When confronted by the authorities with clear evidence that he was nowhere near the continent of Australia on the day of the tragedy, and that there was a videotape showing that Mr. Irwin died as a result of a stingray barb to his heart, Mr. Karr put his thumbs in his ears, and started singing "la la la la not listening."
Authorities are hoping, despite the slim chances, that even more expensive intercontinental air travel and DNA testing will finally link Karr to killing somebody, since everybody really, really hates him and we should really just lock him up even if he hasn't done anything yet, anyway, but these annoying dumb laws say we can't just lock people up for a long time unless they've done something really, really bad, or are muslim.
President Bush has been working on solving this problem, and his bold leadership has succeeded in locking up many people who havn't been proven to have done anything for a long time; as Bush noted "if the Irwin killing doesn't implicate Karr, there has been some discussion of just putting him in Guantamano and getting this whole thing over with that way. It's legal for arabs . . . er I mean terrorists, and I think locking this guy up will be a good thing politically, er, um I mean, for the children. And skipping the pointless trial, a quaint idea for a bastard like Karr, will save valuable rich people's, er, um, I mean, american taxpayer dollars."
The Democratic Party feebly countered this wanton desecration of the constitution by noting that they also strongly opposed perverts pretending to be stingrays so they could get free air travel.