UnNews:John Mark Karr confesses to hacking Foley's screenname, IMing pages
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John Mark Karr confesses to hacking Foley's screenname, IMing pages
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 29, 2017, 14:25:UTC)(
10 October 2006
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WASHINGTON DC -- The congressional page sex scandal took another bizarre twist today as former Jon Benet Ramsey murder suspect John Mark Karr confessed it was actually he, not representative Mark Foley, who sent lurid e-mail and instant messages to a teen page. FBI agents swiftly apprehended him and transported him in first class from Los Angeles to DC.
The confession comes just as a special Congressional committee had began investigating the scandal in depth. Beleaguered House Speaker Dennis Hastert was relieved, saying "Well, I think this clears us completely. I had a feeling it was that Democrat John Mark Karr's fault all along." He later added, "If you care about family values, be sure to vote for the GOP next month."
Police say John Mark Karr gave them details about how he hacked into Mark Foley's AOL account, enabling him to send electronic communication posing as the Congressman. He correctly guessed Foley's password as "nambla32".
"It all makes sense," admitted police Chief Wiggum, "Mr. Foley is a renowned and upright Republican - it's impossible that he would involve himself in gay sexual conversations with teenagers. Mr. Karr on the other hand is a known pedophile." Some are skeptical, but the District Attorney's office is already scrambling to file new charges.
Meanwhile, Mark Foley has abruptly checked out of the alcohol rehab clinic he began treatment at last week. "It's a miracle!" he cried, "Turns out I'm not an alcoholic after all. And by the way, I'm back on the ballot for November's election." The congressional page with whom the naughty conversations took place was appalled. "I thought I was having cybersex with a powerful, hot Republican - not some creepy pedophile. Ewww," he commented for an UnNews interview.
John Mark Karr has faded from the news recently, particularly after child pornography charges against him in California were dropped and he was released from prison last week. The media was elated at his latest confession, especially given today's slow news day. Asked how else he'll keep himself in the news in the near future, Mr. Karr slyly replied, "You know that nuclear bomb North Korea tested over the weekend? Well, lets just say it wasn't Kim Jong Il that ordered that to happen." Experts say it's quite likely that the test was indeed ordered by Karr, given that the law-abiding and peaceful Kim Jong Il would never defy the international community and the United Nations in such a brazen fashion.