UnNews:John Lennon's killer seeks parole
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
John Lennon's killer seeks parole
Straight talk, from straight faces
Tuesday, August 4, 2015, 03:52:UTC)(
19 August 2012
NEW YORK, NY – John Lennon's killer, Mark David Chapman, 57, says he has paid his debt to society. “I was sentenced to 20 years to life, and it's been 32 years” since he was imprisoned for assassinating the famed rock star. “Thirty-two years is long enough, man,” he contends.
Chapman, who is scheduled to receive his seventh parole hearing this week, says that “extenuating circumstances” should be considered in his case. “I'm crazy as a loon,” he claims.
At the time he shot Lennon—four times in the back, after lying in ambush outside the celebrity's New York apartment for hours—Chapman says he believed that he himself was “the real John Lennon” and that the man he shot was “an imposter who'd stolen my life, my career, my lovely wife Yoko, and my sons, Julian and Sean.”
Now, he says, he knows better.
“I'm not sure, yet, who I am, exactly,” he told UnNews reporter Lotta Lies, “but I know who I ain't: John Lennon.”
He cannot be Lennon, Chapman admits, “because he's dead. Somebody shot and killed him, thirty-two years ago.”
Yoko Ono, Lennon's widow, says she considers Chapman to be a “real threat,” both to her and her sons and has asked the parole board to deny the killer's release. Julian is actually Lennon's son by his first wife, Cynbthia, but Ono considers him “flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone.”
Chapman, however, contends that Yoko is “safe, at least from me.” He kills only people who he believes has stolen his life. “She wouldn't want to be me,” he said, “any more than I'd want to be her: she's not only untalented, but she's butt-ugly, too.”