UnNews:John Kerry euthanized after political setbacks
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John Kerry euthanized after political setbacks
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 24, 2017, 12:18:UTC)(
30 January 2007
WASHINGTON, DC -- Fans nationwide were saddened Monday after Senator John Kerry was finally euthanized due to his deteriorating condition. Kerry, a rising star on the political circuit, won the Kentuckistan Derby but failed to win the presidency in 2004 after a leg injury. After extensive surgery, he was initially thought to be recovering quite well, but ultimately had to face political reality.
Although even just last month supporters were optimistic and doctors said he "might one day run again," those hopes turned out to be futile. After a botched joke ostensibly making fun of American troops in Iraq, Kerry's status was offset so much that he was unable to recover. Last week he announced he would not run for president in 2008, and over the weekend his owners in the Democratic party in honor of his spirit and style decided against and then made the final decision to euthanize him.
"We did what was best for the Senator," explained DNC chairman Howard Dean; "We didn't want him to suffer anymore - he went away peacefully." Dean's only regret was that Kerry was never well enough after his surgery to be put out to stud. "His offspring would have potentially been great future presidential candidates," mused House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, adding "And imagine if they were offspring of Kerry and myself!"
Kerry's jockey, John Edwards, fondly remembered his pal and vowed to continue in his footsteps. "I may not have him to ride on anymore, but I will run for president nevertheless," he boldly declared. The field for the next race also includes Hillary Clinton, and new thoroughbred Barack Obama, who was first out of the gate. If the race were held today, the contenders all feel they could beat current champion George Bush, who can't race again due to his age.
Leftover money donated by Kerry's supporters for his recovery and millions of dollars found wadded in his sock leftover from his failed 2004 campaign will be donated to veterinarians and animal welfare organizations. The benefactors were chosen based on Kerry's last words, which were: "Had I known then what I know now, I would have decided to give the money to the veterinarians before I decided to give it to PETA, the reasons for which are complex and multiple, and must be understood based on a number of factors including, but not limited to, the ever-increasing ....." He was unable to finish his statement as the drugs used for the euthanasia took effect.