UnNews:John Kerry Debating Himself On Whether To Run In 2008
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John Kerry Debating Himself On Whether To Run In 2008
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 29, 2017, 09:35:UTC)(
21 April 2006
(Washington, DC or maybe New York, NY) Senator John Kerry, who unsuccessfully ran for president on the Democrat ticket in 2004, is trying to decide whether to run again in 2 years. The difficult choice will be made after the indecisive candidate faces himself in a series of debates to continue through the end of this year.
Asked for a brief comment on how he will decide, Kerry answered, "This complicated decision depends on a number of factors, not the least of which is the geopolitical situation with respect to the Middle Eastern oil supply and the South American agricultural development. Let me back up here - the latest monetary policy in the European Union is worrisome to me, and as president I would be able to work with those countries to create a system favorable to the American people. But then again, if the humanitarian situation in Darfur is stabilized, then perhaps I can happily retire in peace to my wife's estate, and let the global warming problem take care of itself. But the latest immigration problem...". The senator continued speaking for another hour, but this reporter fell asleep and was unable to record the remainder of his comments.
Kerry is particularly bitter about the previous election because he lost by only 60,000 votes - the margin in Ohio. The loss was due to a simply delivery mishap. Kerry's wife, the Heinz ketchup magnate, had created millions of ketchup bottles with subliminal pro-Kerry messages on them, but the post office somehow mishandled them. She assures everyone that, should her husband choose to run again, there won't be any mistakes. "We'll ship them straight from France," she declared.
Incumbent President George Bush is also contemplating running for a third term. He says the current constitutional term limit can easily be ignored, "Just like I ignored the entire first amendment," he claims. Critics voiced concerns, but quickly retreated when Vice President Dick Cheney reached for his rifle. Despite his low poll ratings, Bush is excited about another four years in the White House, "or maybe even more," he added. Today's meeting with Chinese President Hu Jintao gave him a few lessons on what it's like to silence the media and enjoy being "president for life."
Meanwhile, the Democratic party is awaiting the results of the Kerry vs. Kerry debates before deciding on an official nominee. The next debate is scheduled for April 22nd, and will be aired live on all the networks, except Fox News, which will instead be showing propaganda videos of "our great and infallible leader - George W Bush."
- Reuters "Kerry 'thinking hard' about 2008 run for president". "", April 20, 2006