UnNews:John Bolton doesn't get it, again
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John Bolton doesn't get it, again
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, August 17, 2017, 18:50:UTC)(
20 February 2017
Bolton, a long-time Uncyclopedia meme, was touted for National Security Advisor after General Mike Flynn resigned after trying to lie his way out after plotting with the Russians after the CIA gave the wiretaps to the New York Times. Bolton previously served as Ambassador to the United Nations, appointed in 2005 by George W. Bush after the Senate recessed after some prankster pulled the fire alarm. In a little more than a year at the U.N., Bolton channeled Jeane Kirkpatrick and compiled near 100% success at telling every foreign dignitary what a jerk he or she was.
Bolton has interviewed for other jobs in the Trump Administration, but rumor has it that President Trump has an irrational resistance to men with goofy-looking white mustaches, and not just to unflattering news reports. Bolton, who has no comparably irrational resistance to bosses with fake-looking orange hair, got closer than ever this time. UnNews, Ted Cruz, and Nu Shooz all wrote that — after Obama had let the nation's strength wane — Bolton was the perfect man to set matters straight, as only a World War can. Bolton's employer, the American Enterprise Institute, added that a war would also be good for the nation's cash registers.
On the other side of the same side, Sen. Rand Paul said the key to these times is to try harder than ever to get Muslims to like us and maybe even stop calling us the Infidel. Bolton, he said, was a fan of "regime change," at a time when America has to learn to "play nice" with foreign tyrants with nuclear weapons we bought them.
Bolton flew to the Trump Tower for a weekend interview with the man the Secret Service code-named Big Orange. Unfortunately, the interview was dominated by that goofy-looking white mustache that Bolton stubbornly refused to shave off. Trump got a sense of the same insubordination he saw from both Flynn and the spies who tapped his phone. Trump even ordered the photos of the visit to be destroyed, as they all showed him cross-eyed from his inability to stop staring at the mutant albino caterpillar on Bolton's upper lip. The interview ended as abruptly as, say, a phone call to Malcolm Turnbull.
Before long, Trump had given the job to another General, H.R. McMaster. America has a long tradition of powerful insiders known as H.R. protecting a hyper-sensitive President from real and perceived attacks. If that should fail to work out, the job would go to H.R. Pufnstuf.
Among other Uncyclopedia memes, Larry Kudlow is still angling for a top economic job from which he could talk Trump out of imposing tariffs. Sal Fasano, however, is still coaching Minor League Baseball and out of the running entirely — let alone the hitting and catching — and Oscar Wilde is still pushing up daisies.
- Sara Murray, Gloria Borger and Jeremy Diamond "Flynn resigns amid controversy over Russia contacts". CNN, February 14, 2017
- Thomson/Reuters "Trump Names Gen. H.R. McMaster as National Security Adviser". NewsMax, February 20, 2017