UnNews:John's Hangover Drenches Southwest Tavern
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John's Hangover Drenches Southwest Tavern
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, March 18, 2018, 10:24:UTC)(
4 September 2006
TOBASCO, Texas (WTF)-- The weakening constitution of local binge drinker John Jalope drenched a Southwestern tavern in the small town of Tabasco today. Known locally as "Hurricane John" for his swift rounds of drinking, nearly 3 inches of accumulated digestive fluids and beer have collected on the floor of the old tavern, called "Ol' El's".
"Fortunately there have been no loss of lives," says tavern owner Vincente Foxe "but we are concerned about the relative modesty broken by Hurricane John"
Concern for John had been building for some time. He had recently been upgraded to a Category 2 binge drinker with a sustained running speed of 0.5 miles per hour while inebriated. He also had a +4 upgrade on Defense checks, bringing him dangerously close to a Category 3 drinker of 1337 proportions.
By 3:00 in the afternoon, John had wore himself out, and was downgraded to a tropical drunk. He soon fell asleep, almost choked on his own vomit, and was revived 4 hours later by smelling salts. He is now on display at the El Paso Zoo next to the Killer Sparrows exhibit.
"Hurricane John will be sorely missed", says El Paso Mayor, Javier Sombrero, "but the cleaning of Old El's must take place before the FCC cuts off our reality TV show, "Sand and the City" for indecency."
It is not known whether Jalope's daughter, Katrina, will continue in his legendary footsteps, but the results of her last bender are still being cleaned up.