UnNews:Joe Biden stepped in dog shit
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Joe Biden stepped in dog shit
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 30, 2015, 21:47:UTC)(
5 January 2011
WASHINGTON D.C. -- A peculiar odor filled the Capitol today during the swearing-in of the 112th United States Congress, besides the typical must of politicians. As it so happened, the Vice President Joe Biden had a bit of dog shit on the bottom of his right shoe. It seems he stepped in a pile at some point this morning while playing with First Dog Bo. A long streak beside him, Mr. Biden swore in each member of Congress, blissfully unaware of the presence of doggy doo on his sole.
Many members of Congress noticed the dog shit fiasco, but refused to say anything due to lack of cojones. Senate minority-leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca) stated, "Well, yeah, I noticed it, but, you know, Joe's been through a lot this year. I just smiled, swore in, and made sure not to step in the doo-doo streak." New House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said, "Oh, I noticed, too, and it was so dang funny. I almost couldn't make it through my oath of office due to the giggling." Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-Ca) said, "I actually had no idea. I assumed the stench was a result of the new Republican House majority." Senator Rand Paul (R-Ky) merely chuckled, "Heh heh, dog poo."
Biden didn't seem to suspect anything, even when Lynyrd Skynyrd's "That Smell" blared over the PA system. The long ordeal came to an abrupt end when Senator Bernie Sanders (D-Va) whisper into Biden's ear, "Um, Mr. Vice President? I think you should check the bottom of your shoe." The immediate response was, "Hmm?" followed by, "FUCK! I stepped in DOG SHIT!!" echoing throughout the building. Embarrassed, Biden hopped out of the room on one leg, later returning from the restroom to finish his doody, er, duties.
White House aides told UnNews, "President Obama has personally congratulated Senator Sanders. Without his courage and honesty, the Vice President would never have noticed the excrement. Not even when he inevitably stuck his foot in his mouth again, since his constant diarrhea of the mouth has left him immune to the taste of crap."
Pundits, comedians, and political cartoonists nationwide are already making obvious jokes about "more crap in Washington," but UnNews, a highly respected news organization, remains serious while reporting this story, as we are above such low-brow, crude, tasteless humor.
UnNews, however, is in possession of the exclusive dog shit, as one of our reporters sneaked into the Capitol building, swiped it from the restroom trash bin, removed it from the toilet paper, and remolded it with his bare hands. This piece of shit smells fancier and more refined than any dog shit we've ever smelt, while the color, we can only assume, perfectly matches that of First Lady Michelle Obama's eyes. The Biden turd is currently up for auction at the Uncyclopedia store, but it's unfortunately doing very poorly. We pressume this is because no one knows who Joe Biden is. We might have to change to description to "Dog Shit from Barack Obama's Shoe," or, if we become really greedy, "Straight from the Ass of Hillary Clinton," as a pander to a surprisingly common fetish of our readers.