|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
3 March 2011
For months, Apple-watchers have pointed to the decline in market share of the iPad. Launched in April 2010 it still commanded an impressive 95% of the tablet market by September 2010 but had declined alarmingly to a mere 94.5% by December. In November Apple had been forced to refute allegations that the iPad had contracted pancreatic cancer.
"Partly the decline in market share is due to competition from cheaper Android-powered tablets," Jobs admitted. "But we have to take responsibilty for ignoring the needs of our core customers too."
Speaking via Ouija board Jobs went on to claim that initial success of the iPad had been due to its ease-of-use and portability. However, when communications with the afterlife were interrupted due to a processing failure with the recently updated iPsychic software, a written statement was read out (slowly) using the iBooks speech synthesiser.
"iPad appealed to women on the go; to women who parachute to work, to women who need to be able to swim, email and menstruate simultaneously. The real competition comes from USB-tampons manufactured cheaply in Chinese sweat-shops. If America is to regain its position in the world we must be able to respond to this sort of competition quickly with higher-tech machines cheaply manufactured in Chinese sweat-shops to American designs. And we have. Here is the super-absorbent iPad 2 with a faster processor, improved graphics, and both front and rear cameras. Plus, it has wings so it sticks like a limpet to even the hairiest crotch, without leakage."
Industry insiders appeared to agree with Jobs' upbeat assessment of his new product and the iPad 2 had soon attracted over two million pre-orders. A spokesman for Radioshack admitted that the Boston electronics giant had already taken up its 250,000 allotment.
"It's lighter, faster and slimmer than the original iPad so it won't leave an unsightly bulge in the panties," agreed Norman Slime. "We believe we'll have women beating down our doors to take it off our hands, it boasts the most user-friendly minge-mailing system on the market!"
Apple acting CEO Tim Crook echoed founder Jobs' claims.
"Our latest dual core A5 processor can deliver twice the processing power of the original iPad and still cope with even the heaviest flow."
Crooks confirmed that the standard iPad 2 will be priced at a competitive $350, with the Maxi version retailing at around $425.
Most launch-party attenders were equally impressed. A representative for UK-based Curry's told delegates;
"The iPad 2 will fly out of the store. No one really likes USB-tampons. I'm telling you, if you bumped into a thousand USB-tampons at a party not one of them would talk to you. Know why? Because they're all stuck-up cunts!"