UnNews:Jimmy Buffett donates Margaritaville to Gates Foundation
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Jimmy Buffett donates Margaritaville to Gates Foundation
Straight talk, from straight faces
Monday, June 26, 2017, 02:19:UTC)(
28 June 2006
Famous jam-band member and philanthropist Jimmy Buffett has recently decided to donate the entirety of his Margaritaville Estate and related enterprises, including numerous Bar-and-Grills, to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Said Buffett, "I was planning on just donating it in my will, but when I heard that Micheal Jackson was going to use his Neverland Ranch to house orphans, I knew that I had act fast, to keep up my philanthropic reputation." The 950-acre Margaritaville Estate will be used by the Gates Foundation as a "Club Med for those stricken with leprosy and other telegenic diseases." This is the largest donation of a song-based location since Funky Town was donated to the Red Cross during the 1970s as a refugee camp for fleeing Vietnamese boat people.
It had been thought that Buffett would hold onto his estate until he made it to the Big Cheeseburger in Paradise, and would instead make his donations via his will. But recent events, namely the decision of Gates to step down from his role as the Sith Lord of Microsoft, compelled him to donate sooner. The entire estate is estimated to be worth $450,000,000 and is stocked with over 7,000 gallons of rum, 4,000 bottles of vodka, and over 18,000,000 olives. In a press statement released yesterday, the Gates Foundation said this "act of philanthropy would ensure that the poor of the world would have equal access to olives and complimentary bar peanuts" and that "it is essential for a human to not be forced into drinking second-class alcohol. Melinda and I will not rest until every person on this planet can choose freely between Bacardi and Captain Morgan's. To deny anyone this choice is to deny them basic human dignity."
The UN Council for the Development of Bar and Grill Franchises estimates that this act of charity will open up "unique restaurant franchising opportunities for the world's poor." A recently published study concluded that the establishment of only 50 Margaritaville-themed restaurants in and around Africa would increase proliferation of Tiny Drink Umbrellas by over 1500%. UN developmental economists have long made light of the fact that Africa was lagging behind other continents in terms of Tiny Umbrellas per capita.
This donation will put Jimmy Buffett at the forefront of the Hippy Jam Band humanitarians, easily eclipsing the band Phish's yearly seafood donations and the Greatful Dead's Annual Corpse Drive to Cure Disease.
Buffett closed his statement with a poignant message to all the citizens of the world: "This is no sacrifice to me; I have 3 houses. But hopefully this gift will help the poor to get as drunk as it got me."
The poor of the world could not be reached for comment, as they were busy starving to death.