|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
5 December 2009
SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Freshly resurrected leader of the Church of Satan Anton LeVey has closed a $2 million deal with New Line Cinema this morning to provide a risen-from-the-dead Jim Varney. As his eternal character "Earnest", the lovable, evil redneck from the dark side of Mayberry will star in the latest effort in the hugely successful series of "...On A Plane" movies.
Co-starring in the new film, titled "Ernest On A Plane with Snakes", will be Samuel L. Jackson, replaying his role of William Murderface, exiled Baron of Wachusett. Jackson will be paid a reported $1.8 million dollars for his hard-hitting portrayal of the down-and-out Sky Marshall on his last flight before mandatory retirement.
Opposite Jacksons straight man will be Ernest, snake-handling, bumbling Christian minister, flying home to somewhere in Appalachia for a dunking ceremony. When the reverends carry-on bag falls from an overhead compartment, spilling vipers in all directions, the hilarity ensues.