UnNews:Jim Kelly has cancer
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jim Kelly has cancer
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 8, 2015, 06:46:UTC)(
11 June 2013
Kelly vowed to meet his cancer "head on" as he had "all the obstacles in his career," but ironically, experts believe it was his gung-ho approach to football which led to his contracting the disease.
"Kelly was famous for playing with minimal protection," says NFL jaw injury expert John McLaren. "He'd prefer to wear a punter-style helmet with one bar. His teammates had to force him to wear something a bit more protective, because he took so many hits to the mandibles.
"Even in the last year or two of his career, you could see that Jim's jawline was starting to look more and more like a duck's."
McLaren showed UnNews evidence linking a number of NFL stars with curious jaw-related injuries. Last year, Miami Dolphins legend Dan Marino attempted to shoot himself in the jaw after a bout of depression caused by his inability to chew properly.
However, Kelly himself has other ideas about how he contracted the illness. After speaking with Michael Douglas about how the Disclosure star got throat cancer, Kelly is convinced that carcinogens seeped into his jaw as he gave his common-law wife oral sex.